Zero Fucks Countdown – 2017

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The news has been terrible this year. So to cheer myself up throughout it, I’ve been saving a bunch of links and screenshots of the animals and people who stopped giving a shit in very public ways. Here’s what made my cut.

 

 

10) I mean yes…you COULD have put it in your checked luggage. But you’re about to sit in the middle seat on a flight that doesn’t serve booze and you know there’s going to be a toddler who kicks higher than Ryu in Street Fighter seated behind you in between parents who still haven’t invested in the proper technology to shut their kid up on a four-hour flight. You also might have been drinking heavily in an airport bar called “Landing Gear” before you got to the TSA line…but no matter! Gladly chug that Hennessy bottle in one hand while flipping off a TSA agent with the other.

 

 

9) The only thing that could have made this better is if you photoshopped an explosion behind him. Children’s laughter is like poison to this man, and unplugging this poor man’s castle was the antidote. But to be honest,  he was doing them a favor. This birthday party was for a one-year-old. Everyone knows the first year party is strictly for the adults so that the parents can hold up their child like Simba and declare “We went a whole year without killing this. Now who wants some cake?” Some kids aren’t even walking by the time they turn one, so if the birthday kid can’t even enjoy it then no one should.  Or at least that’s the excuse I hope he told the police officer who showed up to the party.

 

 

8) Not only did she remember him, she deliberately went for a vulnerable area–the flesh between the thumb and the index finger. That is some MMA level shit. It’s “Game Over” in year nine when she finds out where his junk is.

 

 

7) You clearly give zero fucks about what goes into your body if you’re willing to take a gamble on cheese (?) behind bulletproof glass.  Do you REALLY know what’s in there? No. Is there a 50 percent chance it’s cut with the windshield fluid in between the pumps? Maybe. If you replace your gear oil with a red gas can of this, will your engine purr? Like a motherfucking kitten.

 

 

6) As someone who just spent a lot of time in a hospital recently, I can attest to the fact there is a severe shortage of available outlets that aren’t being used to deliver life-saving medicine. How am I supposed to cheer my mom up with YouTube videos of micropigs living in a doll house if I’m at 5% charge? She doesn’t even like this potassium IV drip anyway and I bet we can save on this hospital bill if I just get her bananas from the hospital food court.

For everyone’s sake, I hope she’s not a plaintiff in that iPhone slow down suit.

 

5) It’s like they KNOW I bought the stroller for my cat and they’re calling me out on my bullshit.

 

4) You guys remember how the Full House theme song goes, right? “Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, a jogger pooping.”

Seriously? The same house every time? Now is the time where I start to question what you did to deserve it. Maybe we’re all a couple of crappy parking jobs and noise violations away from getting the Daily Doo-Doo delivered to our lawn ourselves.

And you know that reporter got high-fives across the copy editor’s desk for that lede.

 

 

3) Well he’s sure causing a “Scramble”

Hope he still has some toast left for his “traffic jam”

**insert some lame joke about pancakes or whatever else is on his plate**

Look. I’m going extra corny because I’m just glad no one shot a black dude in the street for once.

 

 

2) Well it’s not “far less understandable” if the other expenses are a top hat, tiny leather shoes and cuff links because that’s obviously what goes with this outfit. “Sure the community food pantry will go barren for a month,” she’ll say at her inevitable hearing before the city council, “But when you spent as much time as *I* have looking for a veterinary ophthalmologist to fit Monsieur Le Pug for his monocle, you make the best decision with the choices you’re given.”

 

 

1) I wish I could say there are no headlines from Florida that surprise me anymore, but I can’t. This opossum is every girl who went through a hazing ritual at the one sorority on campus she got a bid for. She’s getting into Tri-Delt (Or in this case XXX) if it’s the last thing she fucking does, even if that means chugging a bottle of Kentucky Gentleman while riding a Kentucky gentleman from frat row.

 

 

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