Why I love America (or why I couldn’t move on Saturday night)

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A party where all you do is deep fry anything you can get your hands on should only be held once a year for a variety of reasons: (1) It’s someone’s birthday (2) You can feel your arteries hardening with every bite of fried pickle and most important (3) Jesus wants you to stop (plus you didn’t invite him and that’s not cool).

I went to a deep fry party on Saturday and here is just a sample of what met its high temperature, greasy death only to continue its journey through my intestine:

 

By the time the 6 o’clock hour rolled around I was literally having chest pains. One of my friends who was running the larger deep fryer feigned an impression of Chris Farley punching his heart back into rhythm. I thought I was going to have to do that with my own chest in the party house bathroom.

BUT I KEPT GOING.

And I made some interesting discoveries:

FRY THAT PLEASANTLY SURPRISED ME:


Fig Newtons

One of the former roommates of the house declared this a delicacy. I was skeptical. I’m not a big fig newton fan but I was deliciously proven wrong. It had the right amount of crustiness and a sweet filling reminIscent of toaster strudels. I told him if it had toaster strudel frosting it would’ve been perfect. (On a side note, someone did deep fry toaster strudels).

FRY I WISH I TRIED:

Doritos Taco Bell Taco

Truth be told I haven’t even tried a Doritos Taco Shell Taco on its own so I figured it was borderline hedonistic to try it in a deep fryer. I never got a consensus on whether this was actually good but it looked like it didn’t even fry all the way when my friend took it out.

FRY WE ALL STAYED THE HELL AWAY FROM:

Hostess Sno Ball

By far the grossest fry of them all. When we took it out it was dark on the inside and flesh pink on the outside. Without consulting each other, a random guy at the party and I both said it looked like placenta. Don’t know if anyone actually snuck a piece but if they did it’s probably still working its way through his or her body as I type this.

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