Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 5)

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Yet another round of cell phone inbox cleaning has yielded some out-of-context (and occasional in context) messages for you to enjoy:

OMG this candidate’s results party has a taco bar and is currently blasting “We Built This City.” This dude’s a fucking winner.

I just ate a shit ton of Rolos and I wanted you to know.

Watching the md game from inside a Cheesecake Factory. This is easily one of the top ten saddest moments of my life.

I don’t think I’m bringing pants.

Asked the Metro attendant to check my card when it wouldn’t process. Had $0.40. He looked SO disappointed in me.

Don’t judge me. Tits or gtfo
Wait not you. That was meant for someone else. You didn’t see anything. :p
Btw, I’m not/wasn’t drunk. Just stating facts. There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.

Whoa I just saw a biiiiiiig piece of shit on the sidewalk. Didn’t really look like it came from a dog…

Woman in Golden Corral ad describes its $12.99 Thanksgiving Day buffet (!) as “[her] family’s new holiday tradition.”

Hooray for nonrape!

The HIV belly fat guy had a good run, but I’m kind of glad to see that he’s no longer on every Metro station advertisement.

Big news! I just massively farted.

I’m 28 and had cereal for dinner. I’m either winning or losing at life.

I wish I could be down in MD so I could take you out for a taco related bday dinner

Don’t open the refrigerator or freezer if u don’t have to!

Dude all I know in life is I have no idea what the hell I’m doing

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