Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 3)

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My phone keeps telling me my inbox is too full to send OR receive messages so I figured it’s about time for a third installment of random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I’m a fat ass. I just stopped at Boston market. It’ll be 10 by the time I get home.

my mom just told me a new muffin recipe and said, “it’s like you, cheap and easy.” thanks mom.

Your hair better be spectacular for today’s prior indiscretions

Wow that was a cool story before it got all racist

Does vasquez want fries with that shake?

I just peed on a tree and felt the need to tell you

Omg there are scientologists recruiting in ss

If I get sick again, someone will pay

Why is there a tv news crew at this school mtg?

I hope you like tall toasters. The black toasters are all about eleven inches high, while the white ones are eight. Social commentary?

thanks, sorry i ran off like a crazy person

Sometimes I really question my age bc there’s nothing I looooove more than hearing Luther followed by the gap band on the radio after a long day at work

Will u still taste test brownies tonight?

its weird not to have an ethiopian taxi driver!

Did you throw something at the TV

Ya. Also u know how i should mill around and talk to ppl before this starts? I’d rather sit here and avoid everyone. And nap

Ps there’s a man wearing business slacks, mens shoes, a red womens coat and a womens scarf on my train

I’m on a 24 hr champagne diet

Ok why did I just see this fool with christmas lights all over his suv??? I guess they now make them 2 plug into cig lighter…

Omg. Spent over an hr on shit that I can’t even write abt.

I wonder how many ppl don’t hate their jobs
Btw I really don’t wanna work today

Woooow. We are so starting a sitcom.

Haha fuck that, pat the baby down

i just overheard an old lady ask her husband “you wanna wear women’s shirts now? are you getting kinky?”

After all that talk of daily stabbings, I should have offered you a ride back!

I only speak coherently when I drink

oh my gosh that serial killer is hot! and he went to umd? i’m so upset

some crazy guy just called the station claiming that dan snyder is a scientologist bc tom cruise was in his box

I am sick of sleeping in the stall at work

Why is the macgruber cast on WWE Monday night raw?! Lol. Wtf?

Guess what it is getting to be slurpee season

I’m disregarding the last 4 texts i received

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