Tag Archives: to catch a predator

Care to take a roll of the die?

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In the spirit of Valentine’s Day,  I want to show everyone some of the more humorous combos I rolled in a pair of Valentine’s dice I won by placing 3rd in a PlayStation SingStar competition some of my friends held this weekend:

This sounds extremely difficult. And how high up are the chairs? Are we talking about bar stools?

This one has a "To Catch a Predator" feel to it...

This situation is incredibly ripe for injury

"Let's go to the emergency room" "In the next few minutes" because we wrestled in the bathtub and one of us is bleeding

I like long walks on the virtual beach and romantic candlelit dinners via the interwebs…

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As it was painted in a previous post, the world of online dating is a crapshoot. I mean this in the literal sense: people are literally shooting crap at you via the intertubes. After dodging surly looking foreign men in their 40s looking for love in all the wrong places (and possibly a green card) I’ve developed my own criteria for profiles that should get red flags.

The picture I need a magnifying glass for


What a lovely picture of you…in the forest…behind a tree…in a ravine…in a fucking rainstorm.

If your goal is to eventually meet another person face to face and you can’t even show me what your face looks like then you are already batting below .500. And if you hate your picture, get a friend or a relative to take one for you. If they’re really your friend then they’ll want to help you. I just need to know that people can take pictures outside their master bathroom mirror.


Attention ladies…I like to cuddle

While putting “F*&% CUDDLING” on your profile won’t exactly get you any call backs, writing that you have a strong affinity for cuddling can be equally damaging.

Before I explain further, let me say first that you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re above cuddling. Everyone does…unless you’re a robot. Robots clearly get a pass because they’re emotionless beings (unlike this one) and their figures are not designed for spooning.


Due to an electrical malfunction in his front panel, Ellen will have to be the big spoon.


Like I said, everyone likes to cuddle, but the action should go without saying. When you lay it out there in black and white it takes on another meaning. Sure there might be some who use it as a cheap way to pick up bonus points with potential dates but if you make it a point to mention this, does that imply you’re some type of hardcore cuddler?

Basically, am I going to flip the channel to NBC and see this guy tell you to "have a seat"?

“My self-summary: Dancing, Travelling, figure skarting and Ice Sharting” (Grammar Jesus Saves)

In case you’re wondering, that is a REAL response from a person who messaged me on an online dating site.

Don’t bother Google searching “ice sharting” either. You’re wasting your time. And if you want to know what slang authority UrbanDictionary thought…

If you don't mind, I'll let you look up "assjaculate" on your own time.

Now that I successfully gave you a mental image of someone ice sharting, I want to stress the importance of running your shit through a word processor spell check before sending it out there for the world to see. No more unnecessary capitalization. No more third person narratives. And for the love of GOD complete a sentence. I’m serious. I know some people hate grammar snobs but I assure you if any reasonable person saw the profiles I’ve seen their brain fluid would leak through their ear canal and onto a nearby pavement.

Now let us pray that guy meant ice skating because I don’t even want to know what ice sharting is.


if you think natural roughage is sexy you might have a chance

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I joined this online dating site a few months ago so I wouldn’t be the only roommate in the apartment that never gave this a try. Sometimes people can randomly message you and I generally get creepers that make me (a) want to disable the chat function (b) sad that they can’t hold a regular conversation without immediately jumping to past sexual history and (c) tempted to watch a backlog of episodes of “To Catch a Predator” to help Chris Hansen actually ID some of these men.

The guy below added me to his “favorites” list, so when he sent me an IM–which I usually cringe in anxiety when I see–I figured I at least owed it to him to make some conversation. Then I quickly realized after he started typing that I owed it to myself to mess with his head:

Guy: hey

Guy: how are you

Me: good! how about you?

Me: surviving the snomageddon?

Guy: yup lol

Guy: you

Guy: you are very sexy

Me: yeah me too just not looking forward to the next one coming

Guy: yup

Me: oh um wow thanks

Guy: ya wish i was snowed in with u lol

Me: haha thanks

Me: so what did you to to pass the time during the storm?

Guy: hehe go on here

Guy: tv

Guy: read

Guy: masturbate lol

Guy: u?

Me: a lot actually, let me see if i can remember it all

Me: i woke up and looked outside

Me: heaved a heavy sigh at the amount of snow on my car

Me: cried loudly and deeply about how much i was going to have to clean off

Me: which kind of woke up my roommates

Me: then i sucked it up

Guy: lol

Me: and vegged out

Me: but literally vegged out

Me: i ate an entire raw veggie platter from giant food

Guy: nice

Guy: did u get laid?

Me: it’s kind of impossible to get laid after you eat an entire raw veggie platter under 36 minutes

Me: you can’t even get your roommate to look you in the eye after you leave the bathroom

Me: for the 13th time

Me: much less nail someone

Me: or be nailed

Guy: lol