Tag Archives: text messages

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 6)

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Once again, it’s time to clean out my cell phone text inbox. Here are some of my favorite out of context messages I couldn’t bear to delete until now:

Just saw commercial for Popeye’s chicken waffle tenders. Managed not to drool in front of white roommate.

I just ate half a pizza on my ex boyfriend’s parent’s couch. And I’m unemployed. Should I be more depressed than I feel?

The Express guy was missing today, but the WMATA guy issued a statement which, if I interpreted it correctly, might be the most inappropriate compliment I’ve ever received: “Must’ve been good! I can see the glow!”

Natalie. I went on a second date with a guy and he says “I really believe that children are our most precious treasure” and I wanted to barf because obviously something is horribly wrong with me.

You have to poke holes in the box, natalie, thats why your strippers arent shipping well.

The two white girls next to us look like the sad sorority sisters who haven’t found husbands yet.

ABCD University High School? I think this either is worse than PG or a front for a brothel.

Comedy sketch idea: a person adopts a perfectly normal cat and makes it get plastic surgery to lok like lil bub and get internet famous.

Good news. I just signed up for this strippergram correspondance course which will certify me as ACTUAL. For an extra $20 they will send a tearaway graduation gown with the diploma.


Should I tell my balls joke?

A tequila company started following me on twitter too! I wonder if they know that I think tequila tastes like a goat’s urine?

Lack of denim is a leading cause of sadness.

Isn’t boom boom code for poop?

Im more surprised by your continuous anti chicken stance.

You know you had a good college experience when your college friends keep you apprised of their bodily functions, out of a sense of tradition.

Tell him you don’t like black people.

Free slurpee day today. I consider it a lifelong obligation to remind each other every year

(two days later)

I didn’t get one. Fail.

Tsarnaev’s boat was less cramped than [Cafe] St. Ex.

I like that you find flowers and fried food equally picturesque.

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 5)

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Yet another round of cell phone inbox cleaning has yielded some out-of-context (and occasional in context) messages for you to enjoy:

OMG this candidate’s results party has a taco bar and is currently blasting “We Built This City.” This dude’s a fucking winner.

I just ate a shit ton of Rolos and I wanted you to know.

Watching the md game from inside a Cheesecake Factory. This is easily one of the top ten saddest moments of my life.

I don’t think I’m bringing pants.

Asked the Metro attendant to check my card when it wouldn’t process. Had $0.40. He looked SO disappointed in me.

Don’t judge me. Tits or gtfo
Wait not you. That was meant for someone else. You didn’t see anything. :p
Btw, I’m not/wasn’t drunk. Just stating facts. There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.

Whoa I just saw a biiiiiiig piece of shit on the sidewalk. Didn’t really look like it came from a dog…

Woman in Golden Corral ad describes its $12.99 Thanksgiving Day buffet (!) as “[her] family’s new holiday tradition.”

Hooray for nonrape!

The HIV belly fat guy had a good run, but I’m kind of glad to see that he’s no longer on every Metro station advertisement.

Big news! I just massively farted.

I’m 28 and had cereal for dinner. I’m either winning or losing at life.

I wish I could be down in MD so I could take you out for a taco related bday dinner

Don’t open the refrigerator or freezer if u don’t have to!

Dude all I know in life is I have no idea what the hell I’m doing

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 4)

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It’s time to do some cell phone inbox cleaning which means even more out of context messages for you:

Well he wasnt ugly but he wasnt attractive or interesting

Ok this is the most ridiculous thing Ive heard in a while: Some British company plans to sell bottles of “royal wedding day air”  Seriously. No word on a price.

Do u remember “I’m from maryalnd an dnobody can beat me”? Just had a flashback n wanted to see if anyone would remember that, thought u might

Great we can celebrate earth day
Its more fun than picking up trash i promise

turn on the cw! it’s a quiz show on black history with black colleges
it has rap music and a token white guy on hampton’s team. but i appreciate it

Please help me eat the banana bread

There is a pissy DRUNK person loudly singing “I always fall for your type” over & over again outside the ER. My window is directly above the ER…:o(

I feel like we should do something immature and go to cancun and meet guys

someone just tried to sell me pocket-sized liquor bottles at gallery place. gotta love dc.

(received while at Capitol City Brewing Company Restaurant)
Save me some pretzels and horseradish mustard! LOVE that shit!

Duke cheats–I mean, wins.

I saw 2 rabbits & a squirrel playing today! It was hilarious! The squirrel kep trunnign up the tree & coming back down. LOL at times Im entertained easily.

(friend is going on a date)
some guy from okcupid. i actually think he’d be good for you! (similar sense of humor) name is jonathan in case he kills me

should we just move to mars? odds are there are less people there to annoy us

someone just knocked on my door wanting to raise awareness about sierra leone. i told him now wasnt a good time. what i meant was i’m too busy watching pretty little liars to save the world


Yeaaa. Ike Taylor. Thuggin worldwide.

Sounds like you could use some loaves and fishes right now

I’m going on a date. i forgot deodorant. this is my life

project nerd: nabbing engineering romeos dutifully

Within 30 seconds of exiting the subway just now, one guy carrying a bouquet of flowers said “nice butt” to me, immediately followed by a homeless guy who came up to say “fuck you and this fucking planet.” i guess i broke even?

Oh geez. Untag.

Omg just re-reading the johnson indictment, it seriously gets better with every read…

Ps enjoy fire alarm testing!

I’m not sure it has dingos, but it’s not likely

We’re taking the scenic tour of delaware thanks to a mistaken shopkeeper and feeling good abt not living here 🙂

One of my roommates (or their friends) left an unfamiliar dog in a cage in our living room. I’m showing REMARKABLE restraint not to let it out and drunkenly pet it.
Yeah, this dog is kind of big, so it would probably maul me. I got upstairs so I think the temptation has subsided

I never saw that sexy neighbor again. I need to get on that
He needs to show his chocolate self

I just killed like 3 bugs u should be proud

your brother came up as one of my matches on okcupid

I heard you guys but I was in jammies

Haha. Well at least we werent halucinating. Wow. Cant spell that word


Do you think the east coast is just fucked? Should we all be buying anti-locust spray right now?

I blame Leslie johnson

My eye is twitching. i thought of you

pauly shore is making coffee here

Yes i did just walk up 14 flights of stairs carrying a heavy bag to avoid sharing an elevator with annoying tan bald guy

No schweddy balls at giant

I just got asked to make a custom fit chicken suit. My life rocks
Of course i said yes

I’m saving that text, so if something happens to me involving a tidal wave, the cops will know to come after you and your demon magic

Hoome. With a pizza. That I have noone to share with.

At cvs u can buy a snuggie for dogs

Ok no parkway for these 2. Kims on the upper 60% dead

U and your having a life

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 3)

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My phone keeps telling me my inbox is too full to send OR receive messages so I figured it’s about time for a third installment of random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I’m a fat ass. I just stopped at Boston market. It’ll be 10 by the time I get home.

my mom just told me a new muffin recipe and said, “it’s like you, cheap and easy.” thanks mom.

Your hair better be spectacular for today’s prior indiscretions

Wow that was a cool story before it got all racist

Does vasquez want fries with that shake?

I just peed on a tree and felt the need to tell you

Omg there are scientologists recruiting in ss

If I get sick again, someone will pay

Why is there a tv news crew at this school mtg?

I hope you like tall toasters. The black toasters are all about eleven inches high, while the white ones are eight. Social commentary?

thanks, sorry i ran off like a crazy person

Sometimes I really question my age bc there’s nothing I looooove more than hearing Luther followed by the gap band on the radio after a long day at work

Will u still taste test brownies tonight?

its weird not to have an ethiopian taxi driver!

Did you throw something at the TV

Ya. Also u know how i should mill around and talk to ppl before this starts? I’d rather sit here and avoid everyone. And nap

Ps there’s a man wearing business slacks, mens shoes, a red womens coat and a womens scarf on my train

I’m on a 24 hr champagne diet

Ok why did I just see this fool with christmas lights all over his suv??? I guess they now make them 2 plug into cig lighter…

Omg. Spent over an hr on shit that I can’t even write abt.

I wonder how many ppl don’t hate their jobs
Btw I really don’t wanna work today

Woooow. We are so starting a sitcom.

Haha fuck that, pat the baby down

i just overheard an old lady ask her husband “you wanna wear women’s shirts now? are you getting kinky?”

After all that talk of daily stabbings, I should have offered you a ride back!

I only speak coherently when I drink

oh my gosh that serial killer is hot! and he went to umd? i’m so upset

some crazy guy just called the station claiming that dan snyder is a scientologist bc tom cruise was in his box

I am sick of sleeping in the stall at work

Why is the macgruber cast on WWE Monday night raw?! Lol. Wtf?

Guess what it is getting to be slurpee season

I’m disregarding the last 4 texts i received

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 2)

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Here are some more random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I can hear my new neighbor through the bathroom vent singing in the shower…he’s working his way through the rent soundtrack

(on Delaware traffic)
Son of a beach im not even [in] the flippin state and the traffic already starts. For the love of all that is holy someone bomb this state.

Now I’m pooping. U can stop worrying.

stuck in chicago ohare but i keep seeing tons of gorgeous men! you didn’t mention the eyecandy when you told me about ur trip…

you got caught up in the CROSSFIRE

Asshole milo strikes again: the tissue box and a plastic bottle were the only fatalities

and my fave nbcwashington headline: metro wants you to start snitching on operators


Riddle me this. Waiting to get eyebrows done, another woman ahead of me. I start playing with her 4yrold son. She says “ur so good w/kids, do u have any?” I say no. Then woman doing eyebrows adds “she’s single” I have never told this woman whether i was married or single. HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS?! Is it written on my face? My eyebrows perhaps?

Me: Yeah how WOULD she know? Do we give off a scent of ramen and haagen daaz? That is $&%*#$% weird. Stalker?


he isn’t ethiopian!

Me: Holy shit. This is a first


when i think about you i touch myself


(watching post-1998 MJ videos on BET)

blood on the dance floor. also painfully bad


Buy me 1000 drinks

Me: Welcome to the friend answering service! Choose from the following options: (a) No (b) Sure! Just give me “1,000 drinks” money (c) Give ME 1,000 drinks

Suck it!

Me: Coincidentally that is also choice (d) 😀

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone

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Here are some random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I just hit the jackpot. old people packed me up a plate of all this food before i could say no

Hey, you going to laser tag?…I never thought at 24 I would be asking that question

I saved you a biscuit

Are you coming back? Can I have the biscuit?

ahh i just saw question mark man on a mo-ped on conn ave!!

Ps ben says he has chicken so come over

A guy selling street sense just asked me out to a movie

I wasn’t interested. I was so confused though. Money for a movie?

real world is starting to film in dc!! in dupont! my goal is to get on that show when we were out at bars!

Hey sweetheart, how r u? Did u get ur crab soup?

Dreams do come true!!!!

Are you watching the game? Holy shit. JJ Redick is JACKED!

Baby this your girlfriend

Me: Baby who in hell is this?

Your fucking girlfriend

Me: I’m a girl…

Sorry wrong number

so i am at jack in the box but did not get the mini buffalo ranch chicken sandwich

just got out and want to eat a small animal

You will be amused to know that i just spent an hour climbing in and out of bushes SOBER on campus trying to find where i popped a squat yesterday and lost my

Me: I think the rest of the message got cut off but I assume this could not have ended well lol

Oops what’s the last word you received?

Me: My

lost my glasses. I’m sure passersby were thoroughly entertained.