Tag Archives: shopping

Murder mystery book covers of pets who totally did that shit

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Don’t mind me. I’m just learning about your deepest fears so I can orchestrate the symphony of your untimely death.

Unless you buy me better cat food. Seriously. It wouldn’t kill you if you went here every once in a while.

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“Hey you wanna know what’s also by the bay? That body I maimed” – The dog

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The recipe requires just a dash of your blood—and by dash he means 3 pints.

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“Yeah. We did it. And we sipped on that sweet ass tea when it was over too”

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“Nothing to see here. Just a poodle selling flowers. What’s that? You want to go inside? Nah you don’t wanna do that. I got all these flowers out here! Look! I got…these pink ones…and uh I think these are lilac–what? You still want to go inside? OK just…um…I spilled a ALOT of red Kool Aid in there and it’s kind of messy…”

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OMG. GUILTY AS FUCK.

I wonder if the toys are better at the North Pole Harris Teeter

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I won’t hold anything against you if you buy a toy for someone at a grocery or convenience store as long as you admit that something in your life isn’t going right that Giant Food is your first option. You might be broke like I am or you get a burning sensation whenever you enter a Toys R’ Us that can only be cooled with off-brand frozen peas.

Whatever reason it is, if you’re going to go this route make sure to avoid the ones I saw this past week:

The toy enjoyed best with a bottle of pills

One of the harshest criticisms of Barbie is that she leads a life of distorted reality.  Barbie can SCUBA dive, compete in the Summer Olympics and go to space, but we can’t possibly pose her in front of a scaled-to-size laptop while she cries looking at TheKnot.com pages for couples she doesn’t even know.

This toy might unintentionally change that:

 

If you take a closer look you’ll realize that Ken is only painted on the inside of the box.

And there’s no food on her plate.

She’s dressed up with nowhere to go

She’s by herself.

They need to package this with this.

The toy that makes you question copyright issues

 

This looks familiar. Real familiar. Stolen familiar.

 

 

Damn. You guys didn’t even try on this one.

 

The toy that sets you up for life failure

 

Five dollars says management gives these to the kids of checkout cashiers

 

My local Giant Food just spent the past month installing six new self-checkout machines so I was a bit confused when they decided to sell a toy version of the one thing they’re slowly eliminating. The job of a checkout cashier might be obsolete by the time this child even reaches high school. Start this kid out early on a self-checkout machine toy so I don’t have to stand behind him in 10 years filled with murderous rage while he tries to scan a 36-roll pack of toilet paper.

The toy that needs to die in a fire

This duck was all the way at the top of the shelf.

 

I’m pretty short so I had to get a wrapping paper tube to knock it down. Then I pressed the button and I quickly realized why it was up so high:

 

 

 

OMG KILL IT. KILL IT WITH VIRTUAL FIRE.