Tag Archives: robots

I gave up…kind of

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Remember all those delightful posts about the world of online dating? Well they’re going to stop for now. I deleted my OKCupid account.

It was getting too, too depressing.

By the way the OKCupid love robot looked dejected as shit that I was deleting my profile.

Come on man. It's not like WE were dating...

Don’t get me wrong, I was fortunate enough to go on a few dates with some nice normal guys but those were few and far in between all the creepsters. I said slightly more than a year ago that I would give this the ol’ college try but over the course of the year I just wanted to give it the ol’ college jungle juice puke.

The site prompted me with a series of questions asking why I was giving them the boot:

I was reluctant to make any selections. There were a couple that I wouldn’t have minded adding to that:

But of course none of those choices were available so I made my choices and said my goodbyes. However, the OKCupid love robot said not to give up hope and it seems he is willing to get me a date by any means necessary:

Just for that, it’s Match.com here I come.

I like long walks on the virtual beach and romantic candlelit dinners via the interwebs…

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As it was painted in a previous post, the world of online dating is a crapshoot. I mean this in the literal sense: people are literally shooting crap at you via the intertubes. After dodging surly looking foreign men in their 40s looking for love in all the wrong places (and possibly a green card) I’ve developed my own criteria for profiles that should get red flags.

The picture I need a magnifying glass for


What a lovely picture of you…in the forest…behind a tree…in a ravine…in a fucking rainstorm.

If your goal is to eventually meet another person face to face and you can’t even show me what your face looks like then you are already batting below .500. And if you hate your picture, get a friend or a relative to take one for you. If they’re really your friend then they’ll want to help you. I just need to know that people can take pictures outside their master bathroom mirror.


Attention ladies…I like to cuddle

While putting “F*&% CUDDLING” on your profile won’t exactly get you any call backs, writing that you have a strong affinity for cuddling can be equally damaging.

Before I explain further, let me say first that you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re above cuddling. Everyone does…unless you’re a robot. Robots clearly get a pass because they’re emotionless beings (unlike this one) and their figures are not designed for spooning.


Due to an electrical malfunction in his front panel, Ellen will have to be the big spoon.


Like I said, everyone likes to cuddle, but the action should go without saying. When you lay it out there in black and white it takes on another meaning. Sure there might be some who use it as a cheap way to pick up bonus points with potential dates but if you make it a point to mention this, does that imply you’re some type of hardcore cuddler?

Basically, am I going to flip the channel to NBC and see this guy tell you to "have a seat"?

“My self-summary: Dancing, Travelling, figure skarting and Ice Sharting” (Grammar Jesus Saves)

In case you’re wondering, that is a REAL response from a person who messaged me on an online dating site.

Don’t bother Google searching “ice sharting” either. You’re wasting your time. And if you want to know what slang authority UrbanDictionary thought…

If you don't mind, I'll let you look up "assjaculate" on your own time.

Now that I successfully gave you a mental image of someone ice sharting, I want to stress the importance of running your shit through a word processor spell check before sending it out there for the world to see. No more unnecessary capitalization. No more third person narratives. And for the love of GOD complete a sentence. I’m serious. I know some people hate grammar snobs but I assure you if any reasonable person saw the profiles I’ve seen their brain fluid would leak through their ear canal and onto a nearby pavement.

Now let us pray that guy meant ice skating because I don’t even want to know what ice sharting is.