Tag Archives: okcupid


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Just like I wrote about my exit from OKCupid a while back, here is yet another summary about my attempt to exit another online dating site: Match.com.

My reasons are about 60 percent financial and 40 percent life failure for why I’m quitting. I figured the money that didn’t go to this could go toward important things like this, this and especially this.

Unfortunately, as is the case with many of these websites, you can’t just deactivate and be done with it. As I looked for a quick escape before being charged for another three months I saw this flash on my screen:

Grr. Fine.



After I got over being pissed about their poor word choice I really thought hard about it and changed my answer.


I hit the “Cancel My Subscription” button again and Match.com still wasn’t done with me. This time they wanted to know how they could improve. When I didn’t see “lower our prices” written anywhere I gave them my honest opinion:

I finally thought that was it. Then Match.com decided to continue to lay it on thick:



Um…good for Heather? It’s hard for me to be that excited for someone I don’t know who obviously doesn’t suffer from adult acne. Maybe if it was someone I was more familiar with I would reconsider…


Sigh. Perhaps I'll try again one day...

I gave up…kind of

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Remember all those delightful posts about the world of online dating? Well they’re going to stop for now. I deleted my OKCupid account.

It was getting too, too depressing.

By the way the OKCupid love robot looked dejected as shit that I was deleting my profile.

Come on man. It's not like WE were dating...

Don’t get me wrong, I was fortunate enough to go on a few dates with some nice normal guys but those were few and far in between all the creepsters. I said slightly more than a year ago that I would give this the ol’ college try but over the course of the year I just wanted to give it the ol’ college jungle juice puke.

The site prompted me with a series of questions asking why I was giving them the boot:

I was reluctant to make any selections. There were a couple that I wouldn’t have minded adding to that:

But of course none of those choices were available so I made my choices and said my goodbyes. However, the OKCupid love robot said not to give up hope and it seems he is willing to get me a date by any means necessary:

Just for that, it’s Match.com here I come.

Conversation stoppers

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I’m not usually a fan of writing back to back posts on the same subject but my friend and I had such a horrendous night of fielding creepy online dating instant messages (IMs) that I felt compelled to share.

Below are the pursuits of a 24 year old male:

Him: enjoying the heat wave?
Me: i’m trying to remind myself that i’m not a fan of winter
Me: only when it snows
Me: and snows enough to be crippling and i can’t leave my house
Him: hahah
Me: but i already got that wish
Him: i have been walking around in boxers i don’t care
Me: lol
Him: too damn hot
Me: yeah it’s getting to be insufferable during the day
and night!
Him: i can always rub you down with some ice

^It is here where we have reached an impasse. How do I respond to this? How would you respond? Here’s what I suggested to my friend:

“Um as long as it isn’t dry ice?”

“Are you going to put it down my shirt? What is this sleepaway camp?”

My friend: “how about a dunk tank?”

My choice to go with uncomfortable silence rather than say any of the snarkier things we brainstormed backfired when he finally sent me another message.

Him: busy?
Me: yeah sorry my friend IMed me with a crises (total lie)
Me: so i got pulled away for a sec (total lie)

Meanwhile as I dodged a second IM from a guy named “SirSnacksAlot” a third IM crept up on my screen. The only extra information offered in the corner was his age (39) the fact he was straight and male. No thumbnail picture.

Him: how are you? baltimore guy here….work in dc
Him: white guy

About 20 minutes went by and those two lines were still all this person put as an introduction. I typed to my friend that it made it sound like he was out of breath, that I was a hooker in a hotel room and he was just trying to get formalities out of the way. But why the need to tell me you’re white? The curiosity was killing me…

Me: um just curious…why did you feel the need to put the race?

::clicks on profile::

Me: also you’re married…
Him: just wanted to fully disclose
Him: divorcing actually

Yes sir. From the very start you were in the interest of full disclosure. Blarg.

if you think natural roughage is sexy you might have a chance

Filed under chris hansen, dating, flatulence, raw vegetables, to catch a predator
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I joined this online dating site a few months ago so I wouldn’t be the only roommate in the apartment that never gave this a try. Sometimes people can randomly message you and I generally get creepers that make me (a) want to disable the chat function (b) sad that they can’t hold a regular conversation without immediately jumping to past sexual history and (c) tempted to watch a backlog of episodes of “To Catch a Predator” to help Chris Hansen actually ID some of these men.

The guy below added me to his “favorites” list, so when he sent me an IM–which I usually cringe in anxiety when I see–I figured I at least owed it to him to make some conversation. Then I quickly realized after he started typing that I owed it to myself to mess with his head:

Guy: hey

Guy: how are you

Me: good! how about you?

Me: surviving the snomageddon?

Guy: yup lol

Guy: you

Guy: you are very sexy

Me: yeah me too just not looking forward to the next one coming

Guy: yup

Me: oh um wow thanks

Guy: ya wish i was snowed in with u lol

Me: haha thanks

Me: so what did you to to pass the time during the storm?

Guy: hehe go on here

Guy: tv

Guy: read

Guy: masturbate lol

Guy: u?

Me: a lot actually, let me see if i can remember it all

Me: i woke up and looked outside

Me: heaved a heavy sigh at the amount of snow on my car

Me: cried loudly and deeply about how much i was going to have to clean off

Me: which kind of woke up my roommates

Me: then i sucked it up

Guy: lol

Me: and vegged out

Me: but literally vegged out

Me: i ate an entire raw veggie platter from giant food

Guy: nice

Guy: did u get laid?

Me: it’s kind of impossible to get laid after you eat an entire raw veggie platter under 36 minutes

Me: you can’t even get your roommate to look you in the eye after you leave the bathroom

Me: for the 13th time

Me: much less nail someone

Me: or be nailed

Guy: lol