Tag Archives: holidays

Murder mystery book covers of pets who totally did that shit

0
Filed under Uncategorized
Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

 

20141218_191301

Don’t mind me. I’m just learning about your deepest fears so I can orchestrate the symphony of your untimely death.

Unless you buy me better cat food. Seriously. It wouldn’t kill you if you went here every once in a while.

20141218_191340

“Hey you wanna know what’s also by the bay? That body I maimed” – The dog

20141218_191631

The recipe requires just a dash of your blood—and by dash he means 3 pints.

20141218_191242

“Yeah. We did it. And we sipped on that sweet ass tea when it was over too”

20141218_191547

“Nothing to see here. Just a poodle selling flowers. What’s that? You want to go inside? Nah you don’t wanna do that. I got all these flowers out here! Look! I got…these pink ones…and uh I think these are lilac–what? You still want to go inside? OK just…um…I spilled a ALOT of red Kool Aid in there and it’s kind of messy…”

20141218_191426

OMG. GUILTY AS FUCK.

All The News That’s Fit To Make Up – Nov. 26-Dec. 1

0
Filed under Uncategorized
Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

I begin Monday’s post with owning up to my own idiocy. Apparently, last week’s set of local Washington Examiner headlines were all from the Dec. 3- Dec . 8 week of papers and not Nov. 26 – Dec. 1. Here were your choices from the latter week of headlines:

Nov. 26 - Dec. 1 - c Nov. 26 - Dec. 1-a Nov. 26 - Dec. 1-b Nov. 26 - Dec. 1-d Nov. 26 - Dec. 1-e

And here are some of the combinations I came up with:

Nov26Dec1HedD Nov26Dec1HedC Nov26Dec1HedB Nov26Dec1HedA

Put any I probably missed in the comments section or tweet at @littlenightowl.

When you care enough to send your most offensive (Part III)

0
Filed under Uncategorized
Tagged as , , , , ,

I’m long overdue for a third installment of this.

In case you need yet another reminder about what Mahogany cards are, they are greeting cards Hallmark says are better suited for the African American community compared to their heavily glittered, gold embossed stock. The cards are perfect if you’re someone who struggles with how to let your black friend know that you care but are unwilling to place a premium on dumb things like tact and treating others with dignity.

I think the people at Hallmark themselves say it best. Below is an excerpt from their own website:

 

And I kept these three things in mind as I walked into my local CVS and saw this:

 

I can only pray you give this to a black person with eczema

 

It seems since the last time I posted there’s been a whole new crop of cards to make me cringe in my local CVS. Peruse with me, shall we?

 

Okay…this one I actually agree with (If you saw my grandmother you’d know why)

 

 

 

 

*facepalm*

Things I learned from my 9-year-old cousin

0
Filed under Uncategorized
Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I just got back from spending the holidays with my family who make their permanent digs in the suburbs of Las Vegas. This family includes my 9-year-old cousin. Here are some takeaways from the visit that I’ll carry with me into 2012:

Balloon animals = harder to make than you would think

I’ll give those magicians and scary clowns credit–making balloon animals is a difficult task.

My brother and I got our cousin a balloon animal making kit for Christmas. It even came with a pump. Many of the animals require you to twist and lock certain parts of the balloon to make legs. Sometimes the twists simply wouldn’t stay. Here was our first attempt at a giraffe:

She called it a "giraffehorse" the cross between a seahorse and a giraffe. I called it "close enough."

Sidenote: When playing balloon swordfighting–a game you resort to when you can no longer make balloon animals–curve your balloon sword so you can maximize your reach.

Eat Raisin Bran within five seconds of pouring milk

Seriously. Eat it right now.

 

Everyone should treat eating a bowl of Raisin Bran like it’s a bomb you have 60 seconds to diffuse or everyone dies. That is unless you want a side of cold and wet despair with your roughage.

My mom gave me a warning when she saw me reach for the box and I heeded it. My cousin however fell victim to the soupiness on one of those days and she struggled to consume it all. We pardoned her for not finishing.

Don’t open the door for strangers

I should revise this one to say, “Don’t pretend like you’re not home after you’ve already cracked open the door for people in suits trying to hand you religious reading material” instead.

One morning there was a knock on the door and as I was looking through the crystal to decipher if it was a visiting relative my cousin had already proceeded to turn the doorknob. It was only then I could get out a weak “Who is it?” during a back and forth in the house about why the door was open in the first place. Two men dressed like the Men In Black told us they had reading materials to share. We politely declined.

My cousin claimed she knew who the men were since people had come to the house trying to sell things before but since she truly didn’t know their names my mom gave her a lesson on opening the door for strangers. I guess that’s more respectable than what my immediate family did when I was growing up which was turning the TV down and acting like no one was home…

12 x 11 = 132

Yeah. I forgot it. But hey you learn something new every day.

Also I’m an idiot.

When your gingerbread man won’t stand up, improvise

My aunt got us a gingerbread house kit the night before I flew back home. There were slots for individual gingerbread men to stand in with the help of frosting as an adhesive. Unfortunately, one of the gingerbread men refused to stand.

“I think it’s best that he lay down,” she said.

So lie down he did…in a pile of “snow.”

He was making snow angels.  Way to work around the problem!

Now if we could just make it look like he’s not coming down off of a meth high that would be even better.