Tag Archives: hallmark

When you care enough to send your most offensive (Part III)

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I’m long overdue for a third installment of this.

In case you need yet another reminder about what Mahogany cards are, they are greeting cards Hallmark says are better suited for the African American community compared to their heavily glittered, gold embossed stock. The cards are perfect if you’re someone who struggles with how to let your black friend know that you care but are unwilling to place a premium on dumb things like tact and treating others with dignity.

I think the people at Hallmark themselves say it best. Below is an excerpt from their own website:


And I kept these three things in mind as I walked into my local CVS and saw this:


I can only pray you give this to a black person with eczema


It seems since the last time I posted there’s been a whole new crop of cards to make me cringe in my local CVS. Peruse with me, shall we?


Okay…this one I actually agree with (If you saw my grandmother you’d know why)






When you care enough to send your most offensive (Part II)

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Because Black History Month is coming to a close I decided another round of Mahogany cards was appropriate–especially since many of you enjoyed the first one.  Here are some gems I found in my local CVS:

Does Justin Timberlake get a royalty check every time this one is sold?

Spam: Not just about the inheritance from your long lost Nigerian uncle anymore!

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I have three simple expectations of characteristics of my inbox spam:


Moderately inappropriate and

On a dogged quest to sell me Viagra from a Saskatchewan pharmacy.

But spam is evolving. Chances are if you run any type of site that allows for posting comments you can see that spammers now infiltrate in a different way: They’re starting to post in complete sentences and, even worse, giving constructive criticism and  misguided praise.

So I wondered how I would respond if these were real people commenting:

No worries here. Your English seems to be fine. I would be more than happy to give you more details as long as you tell me how this helped you in your college assignment. Are you doing a research project on Tyler Perry or the emotional rollercoaster that was the 2010 NCAA Division I Basketball Tournament? If it’s the latter I expect at least one section titled “How Villanova Nearly Effed Up Everyone’s Bracket On Day ONE – An Analysis.”

You just finished reading a whole post about how I was going to deliver a six-pack of beer to my friend and you’re trying to push tea on me. You didn’t read it at all. I’m offended.

I can still have the discount, right?

This post is mostly pictures….

Of course it compensated for your time – it was a huge picture of some woman’s boobs. I’m sure if your visitors like boobs they will also find it useful. And who doesn’t like boobs, really…

This is actually a clever turn of phrase but I’ve tried every which way to apply that to the post in question and I’m struggling. Does this mean that even if I did find someone on an online dating site who didn’t commit offenses like widely advertising their cuddling powers that there would be other issues down the line? This comment is deeper than I imagined. I am actually looking forward to your next observation…

WTF. OK back to my usual disappointment.

When you care enough to send your most offensive

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Sunday marked my twin roommates’ birthday and the day prior I labored over finding the perfect greeting cards for them. I wasn’t too impressed with the $2.99 cards and I’m not a fan of the ones that play music so I trekked over to the Mahogany section. For those reading who aren’t familiar with the Mahogany section, it’s basically your 8th grade history lesson on the Plessy v. Ferguson trial in greeting card form: cards that are specifically geared toward the black community. They’re completely separate from the rest of the cards and conveniently placed next to the 99 cent card section.

As I struggled to find a good card, I noticed this one at the top of the shelf:
Okay this is a little presumptuous to think that grandparents of other ethnicities don’t want their relatives’ thighs to uncomfortably slide down a loveseat in an unconditioned living room until the day they finally croak. But then I saw this one:
I don’t care how good of a friend you are to me, we are not going to still be dropping it like it’s hot. It’s been at least six years since that song came out. This is kind of insulting.

And it just got better:

^This would have been cute if it didn’t make it look like black people layaway Hallmark cards.

The Mahogany version of a belated birthday card

At this point I completely forgot my birthday card mission and could not stop snapping pictures. I’m surprised none of the CVS staff members tapped me on the shoulder to ask what the hell I was doing.
By the way, this was probably THE worst of them all:
And finally the one card I found in the section I hope wasn’t placed there intentionally:

I’m pretty sure the “Mahogany” logo wasn’t scrawled on the back of this one

Next year I’m just going to go old school and make them cards. It would have taken a lot less time.