Tag Archives: giraffes

Where the hell is my forecast? – Weather Channel Series (Part 1)

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I usually rely on the Weather Channel website to tell me whether I need an umbrella, a light jacket or snow boots—all of which you might need in the same day if you live in the District.

Recently, they went through a site redesign, which is great considering their previous format bordered on fear-mongering:

weather channel - we're all infected

Is one of the survivor’s goals “Don’t get infected”? Because between this and the plane ride that person’s boned.

Of course their design faux pas didn’t get in the way of my plans to do my own series of their worst headlines as shown through a personal screen capture spree. This week I decided to focus on the ones that notably had absolutely nothing to do with weather:

weather channel - loose pig captured
If Rob Ford was an Animorph, it would be this pig. It’s the first animal I’ve seen that looks like it might smoke crack.

Also it looks like the cop is either trying to save the pig from himself or giving him the Heimlich maneuver, which I guess is only fair considering how many humans have choked themselves on pork flesh.

 

weather channel - baby giraffe

I’m less interested in the giraffes and more interested in how I can dine with bears—safely.

 

weather channel  - dont waste time doing this

 

There’s kind of no point considering you’re in the one-third that’s infected and will die soon.

 

weather channel - beaver

Well fuck knowing if it’s going to rain. I kind of want to know now.

weather channel - gary busey

He was on a show that had Lil’ Jon, Jose Canseco and Meatloaf in the same room every week. He’s already been there.

weather channel - what happened to him

He died waiting for The Weather Channel to tell him if it’s raining tomorrow.

But at least he knows why that beaver was angry.

Things I learned from my 9-year-old cousin

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I just got back from spending the holidays with my family who make their permanent digs in the suburbs of Las Vegas. This family includes my 9-year-old cousin. Here are some takeaways from the visit that I’ll carry with me into 2012:

Balloon animals = harder to make than you would think

I’ll give those magicians and scary clowns credit–making balloon animals is a difficult task.

My brother and I got our cousin a balloon animal making kit for Christmas. It even came with a pump. Many of the animals require you to twist and lock certain parts of the balloon to make legs. Sometimes the twists simply wouldn’t stay. Here was our first attempt at a giraffe:

She called it a "giraffehorse" the cross between a seahorse and a giraffe. I called it "close enough."

Sidenote: When playing balloon swordfighting–a game you resort to when you can no longer make balloon animals–curve your balloon sword so you can maximize your reach.

Eat Raisin Bran within five seconds of pouring milk

Seriously. Eat it right now.

 

Everyone should treat eating a bowl of Raisin Bran like it’s a bomb you have 60 seconds to diffuse or everyone dies. That is unless you want a side of cold and wet despair with your roughage.

My mom gave me a warning when she saw me reach for the box and I heeded it. My cousin however fell victim to the soupiness on one of those days and she struggled to consume it all. We pardoned her for not finishing.

Don’t open the door for strangers

I should revise this one to say, “Don’t pretend like you’re not home after you’ve already cracked open the door for people in suits trying to hand you religious reading material” instead.

One morning there was a knock on the door and as I was looking through the crystal to decipher if it was a visiting relative my cousin had already proceeded to turn the doorknob. It was only then I could get out a weak “Who is it?” during a back and forth in the house about why the door was open in the first place. Two men dressed like the Men In Black told us they had reading materials to share. We politely declined.

My cousin claimed she knew who the men were since people had come to the house trying to sell things before but since she truly didn’t know their names my mom gave her a lesson on opening the door for strangers. I guess that’s more respectable than what my immediate family did when I was growing up which was turning the TV down and acting like no one was home…

12 x 11 = 132

Yeah. I forgot it. But hey you learn something new every day.

Also I’m an idiot.

When your gingerbread man won’t stand up, improvise

My aunt got us a gingerbread house kit the night before I flew back home. There were slots for individual gingerbread men to stand in with the help of frosting as an adhesive. Unfortunately, one of the gingerbread men refused to stand.

“I think it’s best that he lay down,” she said.

So lie down he did…in a pile of “snow.”

He was making snow angels.  Way to work around the problem!

Now if we could just make it look like he’s not coming down off of a meth high that would be even better.