Tag Archives: facebook

If your Facebook Movie had an IMDB page

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This is what it might look like:

Screen Shot 2014-02-06 at 1.56.47 PM

I am cleaning up my Facebook friends list…

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The below image is either the result of a hacker or a viral Facebook app. There’s something to be said about a site that’s known for launching a gazillion superficial friendships yet can still make users question where they stand with the real ones they have with people:

I'm Facebook friends with my friend's dog and a stuffed scarecrow and they can participate in this...

Where the creator failed in my opinion is in the quality of the options available for slimming down your friends list. The last two options will never get any clicks. No one will ever admit why he or she remains connected with someone that he or she clearly will never talk to again. Therefore here are my suggestions on making this a bit more realistic:

 

 

 

*Still* clicking on Facebook ads so you won’t have to

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Still getting weird ads. I don’t know what I have to do short of deleting my Facebook account to stop getting these:

 

 

Just to maintain the element of mystery….

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…I’m not even going to Google what this really is (found in Facebook Marketplace):

Why yes I DO have the mindset of a 12-year-old seventh grade boy

If only the real world could be powered by doughnuts

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While I have no desire to join Cityville, Farmville or any of those virtual towns I get requests for, I do wonder how much better (or worse) my life would be if I REALLY lived there and was an active participant:

 

You know you had a rough night/you have a hallucinogenic drug dependency if you leave a hotel and there's a bird that isn't even a parrot telling you in English to have a nice day.

 

Okay...worst and fattest cops ever. From the beginning of August I counted 20 REQUESTS for this. You don't need doughnuts anymore. You need insulin. And a treadmill

 

I'll save the seahorse but I'll be damned if I save the snake. Twenty bucks says it bites me the first chance it gets. Look how colorful it is. The brightest ones are almost ALWAYS the most poisonous ones....

 

I guess they're real proponents of afternoon drinking here (This was a Sunday. Yes I checked the calendar). Also thank God they said upfront what was in there. I just saw a mason jar with a picture of what I THINK is a squirrel on the side and I didn't know what to think.

 

What is it with this city and doughnuts? Are these fresh out the oven Krispy Kreme doughnuts we're talking about? Why are the criminals wearing Batman & Robin style eye bands? What made them cry? Police brutality? SO MANY QUESTIONS

 

Are we getting a jumpstart on celebrating Bastille Day? Because you're six days too late for America. This town is horribly unpatriotic if it takes baseball caps to inspire them.

 

The caramel ferret is the only one that's really selling it here. The deer is PRANCING in this photo. She does not look poor, injured or wounded in the slightest. She had better develop some fierce looking "Precious Moments" sad eyes if she wants a home.

 

Clicking on Facebook ads so you won’t have to

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Psych. I didn’t really click on these ads. But lately they’ve become too bizarre not to comment on:

Be a social worker in a year…or piss your pants trying:

There's no way you can convince me this kid doesn't have rabies

Wow. I don’t know who created this ad but could they have gone  with a picture of a kid who didn’t look like an extra in 28 Days Later? Sure a social worker isn’t going to be dealing with kids that are sugar, spice and everything nice but I would have appreciated some false advertising here…

Okay. This is a little better

*Sigh* No. No it isn’t.

Maybe if we train one in America we can medal in the 100m dash

We are so screwed if the only real competition to Usain Bolt in our lifetime is a flightless bird and not a human being. Also in case you’re wondering, there are only 2,136 people who like the ostrich. He’s gotta be pissed.

Have you tried Jack Blackout?

Can we tack on “JUST HOOK IT TO MY VEINS” to the end of the second answer? Could you try to sound any more alcoholic? How about a third option?

()”Yz! I cn tasttte a WHOLL lot of honiy and a litl bat of Jack. Wht? Iz suppsed tbe the opposite? That’s the last tiiime I drunk Jackie’s Dum Kentucccky Nectar agin.

Can they please do this in EVERY language?

I had no idea what the hell this was and decided I would YouTube it. I was not disappointed:

What if they lost their phones?

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Your brown cow wandered into 7-11!

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I associate Slurpees with nice weather, happiness and temporary forehead nerve paralysis. What I *don’t* want to associate my Slurpee with are wayward virtual bovines.

The good people at 7-Eleven decided to capitalize on what they believe is a popular trend and completely whore out their Slurpee cups to FarmVille and its counterpart, YoVille. Getting 1,001 requests to play FarmVille, which I vented about in a previous post, can be annoying but I never thought I had to worry about it escaping the confines of Facebook.

Invitations to these games are useless because I’m a lost cause when it comes to virtual simulation games. I’m only focused for about 5 minutes before I relive my childhood memories of Sim City 2000 and start unleashing natural disasters and mutant spiders on unsuspecting residents.

You mean some new friends he can gore to death and a new home to destroy and leave massive dumps in? Go pawn your demon bull on someone else.

My friends and I refused to dispense Slurpees into these cups on principle but the cups were not the only products that were tainted:

Artificial flavors? I thought you guys lived on a damn farm.

If I were a Slurpee–which would seal my extinction because I would be too busy drinking my frosty innards–I would be insulted. Get this crap off of me, I would say. Well…I guess if I were a Slurpee I would die soon enough but at least I could die with some dignity.

By the way if I’m being asked to save a bull in FarmVille then what the hell goes wandering off in YoVille and needs immediate retrieval?

I press the “x” but they just keep on coming…

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If you use Facebook as frequently as I do you will notice the ads on the side of the page asking you to join FarmVille, donate your ovaries and/or sperm and get a discount on Sara Lee deli meat–which I do not trust because she should know her roll and stick to pies and cookies.

There were some ads in particular that were disturbing for various reasons. Allow me to share with you.

Babies I Wouldn’t Want To Make With Anyone:

(a) This baby has gorgeous blue eyes but I have no doubt that when he becomes of age he will develop laser shooting capabilities and kill me accidentally and–when he becomes fully aware of his power–kill you on purpose.
(b) My guess is he’s the love child of Jimmie Walker from the 1970s TV Show “Good Times” and that cucumber from Veggie Tales.

The tomato could also make a convincing case for paternity

(c) I can’t tell if this child is crying or the pockets of fat on his face are so enormous that they are eclipsing his eyes.
Virtual Cities I Don’t Want to Move To:

Equally disturbing promotions:

Coming to a Facebook news feed near you

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I understand the joy one feels when he or she discovers a group of people share the same quirk, whether it is flipping a pillow to get to the cold side or getting a text message from the last person you wanted to get one from. However, it is when one constantly points these out that shared practices and feelings lose their value. And no party is more guilty of exploiting this than Facebook.

I can’t stand it anymore.

I had to come up with a list to cut this off at a head. That way if I actually DO see these groups I’m less likely to cringe when I sign into Facebook:

People who sob silently in the corner of their office supply closet during the lunch hour.

Category: Common Interest – Health & Wellness

Description: Your goldfish just died. Your goldfish died because your cat ate them. Your tabby cat died because he ate your goldfish. You forgot to do your slides for your team’s PowerPoint presentation. You look like a stammering ass so just go ahead and cry it out (and pray no one in your office runs out of staples between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.).

I hate it when I stab someone and they don’t die right away!

Category: Common Interest – Families

Description: You told your sister she’d pay if she continued borrowing your flat iron without permission but she didn’t believe you. You are also manic depressive and you just happen to be trimming your split ends in the bathroom when you discover her latest transgression. Now she’s flailing and sputtering blood…the eyes are closi–wait. She’s still breathing. Damn it. Let’s try this again…

I don’t like it when the toilet gets to play God (People united against automatic flush toilets)

Category: Just For Fun – Too Much Information

Description: Look bitch I wasn’t done yet. My cheeks barely lifted off the seat. No I don’t want to press the butto–FINE. (Presses It). OH NOW YOU DON’T WANNA FLUSH ANYTHING YOU RAVENOUS PORCELAIN WHORE? I’m not even going to give you the benefit of a pre-flush wipe…

Asking people in your car what they want to listen to during a road trip but secretly wanting to force people to listen to Celine Dion’s “Falling Into You.”

Category: Music – Heaven Help Us

Description: Did anyone bring their iPod? No one? If not I’ve got a throwback CD I can play but feel free to say no!