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The DMV Drivers You Love To Hate

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Driver’s ed class may be a distant memory for most of us but I’ll never forget the evening we had to watch the mandatory “How To Handle Your Road Rage” video.

The best part was when the husky motorist of a GMC sport utility vehicle leaped out of his car with a crowbar and lunged at the tailgating driver behind him in the middle of traffic. Our class cracked up so hard that one kid actually got out of his seat and rewound the tape so we could watch it again.

Now more than 10 years later not only do I sympathize with crowbar guy I sometimes think I could BE crowbar guy if prompted. The union of a blunt object and someone else’s car windshield isn’t enough punishment for the people who drive you and me to insanity on a daily basis in the D.C. area.

During my daily travels on mostly I-495 and I-95 there are categories of drivers I could care less for:

The “Doesn’t like it when you stop at stop signs” driver

This isn't German for "Full speed ahead." Ass.

I’ve gotten honked at for stopping at a LEGAL stop sign as if I had gotten out of my car and started break dancing on the solid white line. I stopped for three seconds. I didn’t do a one-woman Chinese fire drill–and if I did you should damn well appreciate my agility under pressure. This one also applies for the person who doesn’t like it when you look both ways before entering a busy road from a highway exit ramp.

The “Oh shit I need to be in THAT lane” driver

At some point the vehicle on your left will magically end up where the black one is--and by magic I mean via a multiple car pile up.

You’re in the lane to go to I-95 North toward Baltimore when you suddenly remember that your real destination is Prince George’s County. So you decide to go NASCAR on unsuspecting drivers and skid across three lanes of traffic to get on I-495 South.

If you’re nowhere near a dashed line to safely merge into another lane and you’re on I-95 North then guess what? You’re going to Baltimore. You’re going to Baltimore until you figure out a way to safely and LEGALLY correct your mistake.

Why can’t people just accept failure if it means the difference between killing or not killing another driver? This is the DMV not an abandoned backwoods country road. You won’t have to wait an hour before you can turn around. Believe me the traffic you’re about to sit en route to wherever you’re going will be 10x worse than the time it takes to change direction.

The “Slow for miles but speeds to make the traffic light” driver

Wishing death upon the person who does this isn’t enough. When this person enters eternal damnation–which is guaranteed–he or she will be forced to drive behind an 18-passenger van down a long state highway filled with traffic lights–with red light cameras.

The “I can’t shut my turn signal off to save my life” driver

You can't tell from this but it's been flashing for an hour

Do they make silent turn signals now? They don’t? That’s what I thought because I have yet to be inside of a car that doesn’t make a clicking sound when you’re signaling to turn or get in another lane. So why leave it on…forever? Why can’t you shut it off? You’re confusing everyone. And don’t try to get into the lane you’ve been signaling to get in for 30 minutes on a congestion-free highway.

The “I don’t know what lane to be in so I’ll straddle two” driver

God I hope that's a cop behind you

I bet if we polled the common offenders for this we would find they all for different reasons missed the obligatory “Sharing” lesson in their respective pre-kindergarten classes. You can’t have both. Pick one and stay in it.