Tag Archives: dating

Unmatched

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Just like I wrote about my exit from OKCupid a while back, here is yet another summary about my attempt to exit another online dating site: Match.com.

My reasons are about 60 percent financial and 40 percent life failure for why I’m quitting. I figured the money that didn’t go to this could go toward important things like this, this and especially this.

Unfortunately, as is the case with many of these websites, you can’t just deactivate and be done with it. As I looked for a quick escape before being charged for another three months I saw this flash on my screen:

Grr. Fine.

 

 

After I got over being pissed about their poor word choice I really thought hard about it and changed my answer.

 

I hit the “Cancel My Subscription” button again and Match.com still wasn’t done with me. This time they wanted to know how they could improve. When I didn’t see “lower our prices” written anywhere I gave them my honest opinion:

I finally thought that was it. Then Match.com decided to continue to lay it on thick:

 

 

Um…good for Heather? It’s hard for me to be that excited for someone I don’t know who obviously doesn’t suffer from adult acne. Maybe if it was someone I was more familiar with I would reconsider…

 

Sigh. Perhaps I'll try again one day...

I forgot Match.com had a chat function…

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…now I know what I’ll be disabling tonight (I’m the blue icon):

When your post script is longer than the description about yourself…

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…then perhaps it’s time to take a break from Match.com. But this guy is still on the hunt for his one and only (and apparently on the run for some crazy stalker). Click to enlarge:

At least he was honest?

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I got a digital “wink” on an online dating site from some 33-year-old guy who gave nothing other than this message:

“How can i get to know you?”

The rest of his profile is pretty generic and leaves nothing to be desired. He says he’s good at “humor and cuddling” and that “air, food, humor, church, gym and women” are the six things he could never do without.

But I was left perplexed at what he listed in the section “The most private thing I’m willing to admit:”

“I need a women that’s not afraid to please me with her lips, at least once every other day.”

Okay…

Aside from the fact that he meant “woman” (I hope) I thought, “This could mean so many different things” and if we’re friends, you already know that none of these things were appropriate.

Maybe this is an overreaction and he is talking about kissing, but I think it’s unrealistic to think people schedule “kissing” or “making out” like they take Lipitor to lower their cholesterol.


Unless he owns one of these ^

At least once every other day – this is a rather rigid requirement. The words “at” and “least” are key here because it means there’s an expectation that whatever you’re asking for may be a daily obligation. If that’s the case I have some questions:

Will this be happening at a set time?  If so I already blocked out 7 p.m. for “Jeopardy.” Trebek trumps all.

Can we reach an agreement that selecting “air” as one of the “six things you could never do without” is a given and acknowledge the awkward juxtaposition of the word “church” with the fact you need to be pleasured “at least once every other day“?

If whatever you’re asking for is happening “at least once every other day” will there be a written agreement for you to also shower and brush your teeth “at least once every other day”? NOTE: In this agreement it will be strongly suggested to heed the words “every” and “day

Okay it’s bed time. I should try writing these posts at a reasonable hour at least once every other day.

Conversation stoppers

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I’m not usually a fan of writing back to back posts on the same subject but my friend and I had such a horrendous night of fielding creepy online dating instant messages (IMs) that I felt compelled to share.

Below are the pursuits of a 24 year old male:

Him: enjoying the heat wave?
Me: i’m trying to remind myself that i’m not a fan of winter
Me: only when it snows
Me: and snows enough to be crippling and i can’t leave my house
Him: hahah
Me: but i already got that wish
Him: i have been walking around in boxers i don’t care
Me: lol
Him: too damn hot
Me: yeah it’s getting to be insufferable during the day
and night!
Him: i can always rub you down with some ice

^It is here where we have reached an impasse. How do I respond to this? How would you respond? Here’s what I suggested to my friend:

“Um as long as it isn’t dry ice?”

“Are you going to put it down my shirt? What is this sleepaway camp?”

My friend: “how about a dunk tank?”

My choice to go with uncomfortable silence rather than say any of the snarkier things we brainstormed backfired when he finally sent me another message.

Him: busy?
Me: yeah sorry my friend IMed me with a crises (total lie)
Me: so i got pulled away for a sec (total lie)

Meanwhile as I dodged a second IM from a guy named “SirSnacksAlot” a third IM crept up on my screen. The only extra information offered in the corner was his age (39) the fact he was straight and male. No thumbnail picture.

Him: how are you? baltimore guy here….work in dc
Him: white guy

About 20 minutes went by and those two lines were still all this person put as an introduction. I typed to my friend that it made it sound like he was out of breath, that I was a hooker in a hotel room and he was just trying to get formalities out of the way. But why the need to tell me you’re white? The curiosity was killing me…

Me: um just curious…why did you feel the need to put the race?

::clicks on profile::

Me: also you’re married…
Him: just wanted to fully disclose
Him: divorcing actually

Yes sir. From the very start you were in the interest of full disclosure. Blarg.

I like long walks on the virtual beach and romantic candlelit dinners via the interwebs…

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As it was painted in a previous post, the world of online dating is a crapshoot. I mean this in the literal sense: people are literally shooting crap at you via the intertubes. After dodging surly looking foreign men in their 40s looking for love in all the wrong places (and possibly a green card) I’ve developed my own criteria for profiles that should get red flags.

The picture I need a magnifying glass for

 

What a lovely picture of you…in the forest…behind a tree…in a ravine…in a fucking rainstorm.

If your goal is to eventually meet another person face to face and you can’t even show me what your face looks like then you are already batting below .500. And if you hate your picture, get a friend or a relative to take one for you. If they’re really your friend then they’ll want to help you. I just need to know that people can take pictures outside their master bathroom mirror.

 

Attention ladies…I like to cuddle

While putting “F*&% CUDDLING” on your profile won’t exactly get you any call backs, writing that you have a strong affinity for cuddling can be equally damaging.

Before I explain further, let me say first that you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re above cuddling. Everyone does…unless you’re a robot. Robots clearly get a pass because they’re emotionless beings (unlike this one) and their figures are not designed for spooning.

 

Due to an electrical malfunction in his front panel, Ellen will have to be the big spoon.

 

Like I said, everyone likes to cuddle, but the action should go without saying. When you lay it out there in black and white it takes on another meaning. Sure there might be some who use it as a cheap way to pick up bonus points with potential dates but if you make it a point to mention this, does that imply you’re some type of hardcore cuddler?

Basically, am I going to flip the channel to NBC and see this guy tell you to "have a seat"?

“My self-summary: Dancing, Travelling, figure skarting and Ice Sharting” (Grammar Jesus Saves)

In case you’re wondering, that is a REAL response from a person who messaged me on an online dating site.

Don’t bother Google searching “ice sharting” either. You’re wasting your time. And if you want to know what slang authority UrbanDictionary thought…

If you don't mind, I'll let you look up "assjaculate" on your own time.

Now that I successfully gave you a mental image of someone ice sharting, I want to stress the importance of running your shit through a word processor spell check before sending it out there for the world to see. No more unnecessary capitalization. No more third person narratives. And for the love of GOD complete a sentence. I’m serious. I know some people hate grammar snobs but I assure you if any reasonable person saw the profiles I’ve seen their brain fluid would leak through their ear canal and onto a nearby pavement.

Now let us pray that guy meant ice skating because I don’t even want to know what ice sharting is.

 

Date Lab: He had an insatiable sweet tooth. Too bad it wasn’t for his date.

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Tuesday June 22, 2010

8:00 P.M., TREE STUMP, HUNDRED ACRE WOOD

Mama Bear: I was running a little late when I got to Hundred Acre Wood around 8:15 p.m. Finding a sitter out here in the middle of nowhere is a challenge. I arrived to find a tree stump covered in red and white checker-pattern linen and a vase of daisies and honeysuckle—but no date. The honeysuckle, in my opinion was a little strange. Most people consider honeysuckle to be an invasive species but it was pleasant to smell and took on a different light inside the vase.

Pooh: There was a blowout sale on gallon honey jugs at the neighborhood store so I was behind schedule. I rushed to the tree stump to find her there. My first thought was that maybe she could have taken the time to not look like she just came fresh off the Aunt Jemima pancake box but she was cute in the face at least.

Mama Bear: I wasn’t terribly impressed with his attire. His shirt was obviously too small for his frame and bits of his fur were mashed together with what looked like dried honey. The “no pants” thing was also quite distracting but then I reserved judgment. There may not be pants tailor made for a bear of his girth.

Pooh: The menu came out and we went to town on it. We picked a honey glazed ham, a watercress salad covered in honeycomb shavings, beignets covered in honey marmalade and roasted bumblebees on skewers. She was kind of quiet during the ordering process so I guess she’s the shy type.

Mama Bear: He picked out every meal before I could even get a word in. I’m a diabetic so I can’t handle that much sugar. I barely touched any of it besides the salad.

Pooh: The conversation flowed nicely but we didn’t have much in common—especially food since she barely ate any of hers. She was a recent divorcee with two kids. I was a bachelor on the prowl with a successful career as an outdoor explorer. She was asking a bunch of questions about my career so at least she was intrigued.

Mama Bear: I’ve never heard of anyone claiming “outdoor explorer” as a career so I asked him what he did each day. Basically, he follows around a rabbit, a donkey and a pig—whom he is sure has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder—through the woods all day long. I doubt he does much exploring unless it’s to find more food to force down his gullet.

Pooh: It was clear after an hour that the conversation was getting kind of stagnant so I asked for the check and walked her to the end of the woods. I leaned in for a goodnight peck on her cheek. I’d give the date a 3.4 out of 5. She wasn’t a looker but I had an okay time.

Mama Bear: His lips were still glistening with honey and ham juice as he leaned in for a greasy smooch on my cheek. Even the most absorbent tissue couldn’t get the shine off. I’ll give it a 2.5 out of 5. Very minimal good conversation and I’m  hesitant to bring him around my children.

UPDATE: Do you really have to ask if they met again?

if you think natural roughage is sexy you might have a chance

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I joined this online dating site a few months ago so I wouldn’t be the only roommate in the apartment that never gave this a try. Sometimes people can randomly message you and I generally get creepers that make me (a) want to disable the chat function (b) sad that they can’t hold a regular conversation without immediately jumping to past sexual history and (c) tempted to watch a backlog of episodes of “To Catch a Predator” to help Chris Hansen actually ID some of these men.

The guy below added me to his “favorites” list, so when he sent me an IM–which I usually cringe in anxiety when I see–I figured I at least owed it to him to make some conversation. Then I quickly realized after he started typing that I owed it to myself to mess with his head:

Guy: hey

Guy: how are you

Me: good! how about you?

Me: surviving the snomageddon?

Guy: yup lol

Guy: you

Guy: you are very sexy

Me: yeah me too just not looking forward to the next one coming

Guy: yup

Me: oh um wow thanks

Guy: ya wish i was snowed in with u lol

Me: haha thanks

Me: so what did you to to pass the time during the storm?

Guy: hehe go on here

Guy: tv

Guy: read

Guy: masturbate lol

Guy: u?

Me: a lot actually, let me see if i can remember it all

Me: i woke up and looked outside

Me: heaved a heavy sigh at the amount of snow on my car

Me: cried loudly and deeply about how much i was going to have to clean off

Me: which kind of woke up my roommates

Me: then i sucked it up

Guy: lol

Me: and vegged out

Me: but literally vegged out

Me: i ate an entire raw veggie platter from giant food

Guy: nice

Guy: did u get laid?

Me: it’s kind of impossible to get laid after you eat an entire raw veggie platter under 36 minutes

Me: you can’t even get your roommate to look you in the eye after you leave the bathroom

Me: for the 13th time

Me: much less nail someone

Me: or be nailed

Guy: lol