Tag Archives: context

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 3)

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My phone keeps telling me my inbox is too full to send OR receive messages so I figured it’s about time for a third installment of random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I’m a fat ass. I just stopped at Boston market. It’ll be 10 by the time I get home.

my mom just told me a new muffin recipe and said, “it’s like you, cheap and easy.” thanks mom.

Your hair better be spectacular for today’s prior indiscretions

Wow that was a cool story before it got all racist

Does vasquez want fries with that shake?

I just peed on a tree and felt the need to tell you

Omg there are scientologists recruiting in ss

If I get sick again, someone will pay

Why is there a tv news crew at this school mtg?

I hope you like tall toasters. The black toasters are all about eleven inches high, while the white ones are eight. Social commentary?

thanks, sorry i ran off like a crazy person

Sometimes I really question my age bc there’s nothing I looooove more than hearing Luther followed by the gap band on the radio after a long day at work

Will u still taste test brownies tonight?

its weird not to have an ethiopian taxi driver!

Did you throw something at the TV

Ya. Also u know how i should mill around and talk to ppl before this starts? I’d rather sit here and avoid everyone. And nap

Ps there’s a man wearing business slacks, mens shoes, a red womens coat and a womens scarf on my train

I’m on a 24 hr champagne diet

Ok why did I just see this fool with christmas lights all over his suv??? I guess they now make them 2 plug into cig lighter…

Omg. Spent over an hr on shit that I can’t even write abt.

I wonder how many ppl don’t hate their jobs
Btw I really don’t wanna work today

Woooow. We are so starting a sitcom.

Haha fuck that, pat the baby down

i just overheard an old lady ask her husband “you wanna wear women’s shirts now? are you getting kinky?”

After all that talk of daily stabbings, I should have offered you a ride back!

I only speak coherently when I drink

oh my gosh that serial killer is hot! and he went to umd? i’m so upset

some crazy guy just called the station claiming that dan snyder is a scientologist bc tom cruise was in his box

I am sick of sleeping in the stall at work

Why is the macgruber cast on WWE Monday night raw?! Lol. Wtf?

Guess what it is getting to be slurpee season

I’m disregarding the last 4 texts i received

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 2)

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Here are some more random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I can hear my new neighbor through the bathroom vent singing in the shower…he’s working his way through the rent soundtrack

(on Delaware traffic)
Son of a beach im not even [in] the flippin state and the traffic already starts. For the love of all that is holy someone bomb this state.

Now I’m pooping. U can stop worrying.

stuck in chicago ohare but i keep seeing tons of gorgeous men! you didn’t mention the eyecandy when you told me about ur trip…

you got caught up in the CROSSFIRE

Asshole milo strikes again: the tissue box and a plastic bottle were the only fatalities

and my fave nbcwashington headline: metro wants you to start snitching on operators

 

Riddle me this. Waiting to get eyebrows done, another woman ahead of me. I start playing with her 4yrold son. She says “ur so good w/kids, do u have any?” I say no. Then woman doing eyebrows adds “she’s single” I have never told this woman whether i was married or single. HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS?! Is it written on my face? My eyebrows perhaps?

Me: Yeah how WOULD she know? Do we give off a scent of ramen and haagen daaz? That is $&%*#$% weird. Stalker?

 

he isn’t ethiopian!

Me: Holy shit. This is a first

 

when i think about you i touch myself

 

(watching post-1998 MJ videos on BET)

blood on the dance floor. also painfully bad

 

Buy me 1000 drinks

Me: Welcome to the friend answering service! Choose from the following options: (a) No (b) Sure! Just give me “1,000 drinks” money (c) Give ME 1,000 drinks

Suck it!

Me: Coincidentally that is also choice (d) 😀

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone

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Here are some random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I just hit the jackpot. old people packed me up a plate of all this food before i could say no

Hey, you going to laser tag?…I never thought at 24 I would be asking that question

I saved you a biscuit

Are you coming back? Can I have the biscuit?

ahh i just saw question mark man on a mo-ped on conn ave!!

Ps ben says he has chicken so come over

A guy selling street sense just asked me out to a movie

I wasn’t interested. I was so confused though. Money for a movie?

real world is starting to film in dc!! in dupont! my goal is to get on that show when we were out at bars!

Hey sweetheart, how r u? Did u get ur crab soup?

Dreams do come true!!!!

Are you watching the game? Holy shit. JJ Redick is JACKED!

Baby this your girlfriend

Me: Baby who in hell is this?

Your fucking girlfriend

Me: I’m a girl…

Sorry wrong number

so i am at jack in the box but did not get the mini buffalo ranch chicken sandwich

just got out and want to eat a small animal

You will be amused to know that i just spent an hour climbing in and out of bushes SOBER on campus trying to find where i popped a squat yesterday and lost my

Me: I think the rest of the message got cut off but I assume this could not have ended well lol

Oops what’s the last word you received?

Me: My

lost my glasses. I’m sure passersby were thoroughly entertained.