Tag Archives: baltimore

The DMV Drivers You Love To Hate

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Driver’s ed class may be a distant memory for most of us but I’ll never forget the evening we had to watch the mandatory “How To Handle Your Road Rage” video.

The best part was when the husky motorist of a GMC sport utility vehicle leaped out of his car with a crowbar and lunged at the tailgating driver behind him in the middle of traffic. Our class cracked up so hard that one kid actually got out of his seat and rewound the tape so we could watch it again.

Now more than 10 years later not only do I sympathize with crowbar guy I sometimes think I could BE crowbar guy if prompted. The union of a blunt object and someone else’s car windshield isn’t enough punishment for the people who drive you and me to insanity on a daily basis in the D.C. area.

During my daily travels on mostly I-495 and I-95 there are categories of drivers I could care less for:

The “Doesn’t like it when you stop at stop signs” driver

This isn't German for "Full speed ahead." Ass.

I’ve gotten honked at for stopping at a LEGAL stop sign as if I had gotten out of my car and started break dancing on the solid white line. I stopped for three seconds. I didn’t do a one-woman Chinese fire drill–and if I did you should damn well appreciate my agility under pressure. This one also applies for the person who doesn’t like it when you look both ways before entering a busy road from a highway exit ramp.

The “Oh shit I need to be in THAT lane” driver

At some point the vehicle on your left will magically end up where the black one is--and by magic I mean via a multiple car pile up.

You’re in the lane to go to I-95 North toward Baltimore when you suddenly remember that your real destination is Prince George’s County. So you decide to go NASCAR on unsuspecting drivers and skid across three lanes of traffic to get on I-495 South.

If you’re nowhere near a dashed line to safely merge into another lane and you’re on I-95 North then guess what? You’re going to Baltimore. You’re going to Baltimore until you figure out a way to safely and LEGALLY correct your mistake.

Why can’t people just accept failure if it means the difference between killing or not killing another driver? This is the DMV not an abandoned backwoods country road. You won’t have to wait an hour before you can turn around. Believe me the traffic you’re about to sit en route to wherever you’re going will be 10x worse than the time it takes to change direction.

The “Slow for miles but speeds to make the traffic light” driver

Wishing death upon the person who does this isn’t enough. When this person enters eternal damnation–which is guaranteed–he or she will be forced to drive behind an 18-passenger van down a long state highway filled with traffic lights–with red light cameras.

The “I can’t shut my turn signal off to save my life” driver

You can't tell from this but it's been flashing for an hour

Do they make silent turn signals now? They don’t? That’s what I thought because I have yet to be inside of a car that doesn’t make a clicking sound when you’re signaling to turn or get in another lane. So why leave it on…forever? Why can’t you shut it off? You’re confusing everyone. And don’t try to get into the lane you’ve been signaling to get in for 30 minutes on a congestion-free highway.

The “I don’t know what lane to be in so I’ll straddle two” driver

God I hope that's a cop behind you

I bet if we polled the common offenders for this we would find they all for different reasons missed the obligatory “Sharing” lesson in their respective pre-kindergarten classes. You can’t have both. Pick one and stay in it.

Your guide to selling car insurance in Baltimore

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If you have had the pleasure of watching some of the local commercials in the greater Baltimore metropolitan
area you’re going to make some healthy assumptions about its resident drivers:

(1) They all drive uninsured cars.

(2) They never pay their parking or traffic tickets on time.

(3) The money that should go toward insurance and tickets goes to tipping exotic dancers and cross dressing performers instead.

Here are some tips for those aspiring insurance salesman and budding videographers who want to reach out to the local degenerate who rides the streets of Baltimore in an uninsured Nissan Maxima and points on his or her license:

Tip #1: Hire gorgeous dancers

With a British gecko and a bunch of cavemen running around it’s become clear that if you want to sell insurance the right way your ad should have absolutely nothing to do with it. And when every Gebco car insurance commercial you’ve seen since the third grade was a group of women in skin tight clothes dancing in a semi-provocative routine you tend to grow up with a pretty warped view of insurance.

Maybe a real gecko can’t sell you insurance but a woman, while simultaneously grinding on a strange man at the bus stop could say, “Do you know you’re paying too much for your car insurance premium with State Farm?” That man would switch carriers immediately–or at the very least have a great story to tell his co-workers at happy hour.

Tip #2: Dress in drag

Howard G, the face of Senate Insurance, is known for telling his customers to tell their previous car insurance providers to “Kiss My Bumper.” As if that phrase was not already burned into my brain, Howard G has now resorted to invoking his inner Madea to sell you insurance.

I didn’t think it was possible for someone to make Madea look like Beyonce Knowles but Howard G has succeeded with flying colors. Not only did he neglect to remove his facial hair but he gave it a touch of grey. Even Tyler Perry doesn’t do that.

God I hope this man doesn’t have children. He’s setting them up for a lifetime of playground beatings.

Tip #3: Stop two ton cars using only your crotch

Gebco went the local celebrity route and hired former Baltimore Ravens offensive tackle Jonathan Ogden to push its product. The above video left me asking a lot of questions:

-How distracted do you have to be to miss a 6’9″ tall football player? I’m going to assume this isn’t the first accident this woman has been in…

-Isn’t the accident technically HER fault? Jonathan Ogden was completely stationary…

-Where was that crotch during playoffs?! As a Ravens fan I think I speak for all of us when I say that we could have benefited immensely from a set of genitals that could stop a sedan in its tracks against Ben Roethlisberger.

Tip #4: Hire celebrities to lip synch your jingle–poorly

Okay technically Eastern (or is it Easterns? wtf) Motors is not headquartered in Baltimore like Gebco or Senate. However, if you have a radio and live in the DMV there’s a high chance that you’ve heard this jingle. You can see that LaVar Arrington is really serious about nailing this jingle and you would have had to tell me that Carmelo Anthony was in this since the videographer didn’t even bother to zoom in on his face.

The YouTube commenter below also made a good point:

Tip #5: Send people to hell for not picking you as their insurance provider

This one literally made my roommate gasp. I gasped too–not at the concept of Howard G being granted dominion over our eternal souls, but the fact that they went out of their way to cast a sweaty child molester. He would’ve ruined more lives if he wasn’t taken out in a horrific accident. Howard G may have one fewer potential customer but he made the right call by opening the trap door to hades.

Also I may or may not watch too much Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.

Soon enough, babies will be able to tweet via the womb

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There is an article in the Baltimore Sun this week about the popularity of using Twitter…in the delivery room. The bulk of the article focused on one couple where a father awaits the birth of his second child and updates friends on his wife’s progress. One of his tweets even said “YAWN … having a baby is BORING right now … last time was drive-thru compared to this.”

I’m not saying I hate Twitter (after all, I do have an account) but this guy’s tweets did not seem to convey the seriousness of childbirth and I know if I were in a delivery room the last thing I want to see when I’m pushing a 9lb being out of me is that stupid blue bird. So below is what I think is a more accurate description of a delivery room scene.

Click to enlarge and read from the bottom up like you normally would with Twitter:

perhaps a visit to baltimore is in order

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me: i’m a horrible big
i haven’t talked to brandi knight in ages
thirdbane: yes
come up
and enjoy the sights we have to offer
me: minus the heroin and the syphilis
and “the block” lol
thirdbane: no no, you’ll receive all-inclusive tour
me: lol i sure as hell do NOT want the all-inclusive tour
in fact if we could avoid certain areas such as north avenue going away from MICA it would be greatly appreciated
thirdbane: north ave’s the best
we’ll stroll down it, carrying expensive items