Oprah’s full, healing bosom could not save Leno

Filed under bermuda, blindness, fresh prince of bel air, gayle king, jay leno, oprah, pontiac

I read the transcript from the Oprah/Leno interview on the Chicago Tribune and aside from the ratings & money issue (b/c let’s face it he and Conan were both making more than any of us ever would BEFORE this controversy started) the gist of what I got from reading his comments is that Leno has no dignity. Yeah, that’s who I want to laugh myself to sleep to each night: the person who knew he was under appreciated but just laid down and died anyway without much forward thinking of how it could damage his career.

But now onto another issue.

With the exception of the whole James Frey brouhaha I didn’t think it was possible to go on Oprah and then come out looking worse than you did before. I saw the questions she asked and clearly it’s not Oprah’s fault, for he had her healing elixir in front of him and he did not thirst.

Unknown to many, in Oprah’s green room of her Chicago studio lies a manual that outlines the power of her influence on one’s physical health and economic welfare. Unfortunately for Jay, Oprah flew out to L.A. to meet him so he never saw it, though I think after 25 years Leno should know so I figured I would share some tidbits from a pirated copy:

*When Oprah walks the barren ground of a third world country it only takes one tear to drop from her cheek to yield one square mile of plush Bermuda grass.

*Free Pontiac G6 sedans are now child’s play. Oprah just gave you an M1 Abrams battle tank. No seriously, look outside.

*Oprah touched a blind kid’s eyes and obviously he was able to see. Then that same kid watched his first Jay Leno monologue and willingly jammed his walking stick into his eardrum. When Oprah asked if she could use her regenerative powers to stop the bleeding he adamantly refused.

*People who lie to Oprah get sent into space without warning. Gayle King has a skeleton key to any house in the United States and she’ll stand over you with a harpoon gun until you pack your belongings for the flight. Her parting gift will be one square of Ledo’s pizza to last you for the rest of your life.

*Carlton Banks’ dance to the old school Oprah Winfrey Show theme song has been entered into the Radio Television Broadcaster’s Hall of Fame (And if you’ve never seen this clip I highly recommend you watch it now. It won’t disappoint).

And finally, but just as important:

*Oprah fills in for Jesus on his lunch breaks.

You had your chance Jay. You squandered it.

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