Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 2)

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Here are some more random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I can hear my new neighbor through the bathroom vent singing in the shower…he’s working his way through the rent soundtrack

(on Delaware traffic)
Son of a beach im not even [in] the flippin state and the traffic already starts. For the love of all that is holy someone bomb this state.

Now I’m pooping. U can stop worrying.

stuck in chicago ohare but i keep seeing tons of gorgeous men! you didn’t mention the eyecandy when you told me about ur trip…

you got caught up in the CROSSFIRE

Asshole milo strikes again: the tissue box and a plastic bottle were the only fatalities

and my fave nbcwashington headline: metro wants you to start snitching on operators

 

Riddle me this. Waiting to get eyebrows done, another woman ahead of me. I start playing with her 4yrold son. She says “ur so good w/kids, do u have any?” I say no. Then woman doing eyebrows adds “she’s single” I have never told this woman whether i was married or single. HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS?! Is it written on my face? My eyebrows perhaps?

Me: Yeah how WOULD she know? Do we give off a scent of ramen and haagen daaz? That is $&%*#$% weird. Stalker?

 

he isn’t ethiopian!

Me: Holy shit. This is a first

 

when i think about you i touch myself

 

(watching post-1998 MJ videos on BET)

blood on the dance floor. also painfully bad

 

Buy me 1000 drinks

Me: Welcome to the friend answering service! Choose from the following options: (a) No (b) Sure! Just give me “1,000 drinks” money (c) Give ME 1,000 drinks

Suck it!

Me: Coincidentally that is also choice (d) 😀

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