it is about mothereffing time…

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My dad and I were walking through the Pratt Street Pavilion in the Inner Harbor last weekend and naturally as soon as I stepped in the door I had to pee. I swear somewhere on my body I have an IV drip of Juicy Juice that’s making me pee every five seconds. Anyways, as we’re both walking down the hall to the restrooms, this group of middle school band students with matching shirts are screaming at the top of their lungs saying something to the effect of “OMG THAT HAND DRYER WAS AWESOME.” My dad and I stare at each other with that same “wtf” look. Then when we both left the bathroom we both realized why they were so enthusiastic:

The above is a hand dryer, but not one of those rusty “press and receive bacon” models that I liken to a 70-year-old man with emphysema hacking a wet cough into the palm of your hands. You put your hands under the half crescent and it’s like a laser beam of air shoots over your hands. All you have to do is swipe your hands in and out like 2-3 times and they’re COMPLETELY dry. I’m not kidding. I don’t care if this was the Inner Harbor, I definitely wasn’t expecting to see one of these in downtown Baltimore, so they’re bound to be somewhere in some swanky D.C. restaurant. But a similar dryer is popping up everywhere nowadays:

When I took the trip to Cedar Point amusement park last summer this thing saved me during the second day when there was a torrential downpour. I dried the ends of my sweatpants with the sheer power. I saw my skin rippling from the gale force winds. Sometimes I think scientists and engineers create things like this to distract us from really important things they could be doing.

If you asked me what my perfect public restroom would be–and come on, if you’re talking with me, something inappropriate such as this is bound to come up in conversation–it would be one with unlimited foam hand soap, one of those hand motion sensor paper towel dispensers and maybe even an automatic flush toilet (even though I don’t like it when the toilet gets to play God). I never really considered the hand dryer. I just automatically assumed it would be crappy.

My jeans and every pair of pants I own thank you.

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