Your guide to selling car insurance in Baltimore

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If you have had the pleasure of watching some of the local commercials in the greater Baltimore metropolitan
area you’re going to make some healthy assumptions about its resident drivers:

(1) They all drive uninsured cars.

(2) They never pay their parking or traffic tickets on time.

(3) The money that should go toward insurance and tickets goes to tipping exotic dancers and cross dressing performers instead.

Here are some tips for those aspiring insurance salesman and budding videographers who want to reach out to the local degenerate who rides the streets of Baltimore in an uninsured Nissan Maxima and points on his or her license:

Tip #1: Hire gorgeous dancers

With a British gecko and a bunch of cavemen running around it’s become clear that if you want to sell insurance the right way your ad should have absolutely nothing to do with it. And when every Gebco car insurance commercial you’ve seen since the third grade was a group of women in skin tight clothes dancing in a semi-provocative routine you tend to grow up with a pretty warped view of insurance.

Maybe a real gecko can’t sell you insurance but a woman, while simultaneously grinding on a strange man at the bus stop could say, “Do you know you’re paying too much for your car insurance premium with State Farm?” That man would switch carriers immediately–or at the very least have a great story to tell his co-workers at happy hour.

Tip #2: Dress in drag

Howard G, the face of Senate Insurance, is known for telling his customers to tell their previous car insurance providers to “Kiss My Bumper.” As if that phrase was not already burned into my brain, Howard G has now resorted to invoking his inner Madea to sell you insurance.

I didn’t think it was possible for someone to make Madea look like Beyonce Knowles but Howard G has succeeded with flying colors. Not only did he neglect to remove his facial hair but he gave it a touch of grey. Even Tyler Perry doesn’t do that.

God I hope this man doesn’t have children. He’s setting them up for a lifetime of playground beatings.

Tip #3: Stop two ton cars using only your crotch

Gebco went the local celebrity route and hired former Baltimore Ravens offensive tackle Jonathan Ogden to push its product. The above video left me asking a lot of questions:

-How distracted do you have to be to miss a 6’9″ tall football player? I’m going to assume this isn’t the first accident this woman has been in…

-Isn’t the accident technically HER fault? Jonathan Ogden was completely stationary…

-Where was that crotch during playoffs?! As a Ravens fan I think I speak for all of us when I say that we could have benefited immensely from a set of genitals that could stop a sedan in its tracks against Ben Roethlisberger.

Tip #4: Hire celebrities to lip synch your jingle–poorly

Okay technically Eastern (or is it Easterns? wtf) Motors is not headquartered in Baltimore like Gebco or Senate. However, if you have a radio and live in the DMV there’s a high chance that you’ve heard this jingle. You can see that LaVar Arrington is really serious about nailing this jingle and you would have had to tell me that Carmelo Anthony was in this since the videographer didn’t even bother to zoom in on his face.

The YouTube commenter below also made a good point:

Tip #5: Send people to hell for not picking you as their insurance provider

This one literally made my roommate gasp. I gasped too–not at the concept of Howard G being granted dominion over our eternal souls, but the fact that they went out of their way to cast a sweaty child molester. He would’ve ruined more lives if he wasn’t taken out in a horrific accident. Howard G may have one fewer potential customer but he made the right call by opening the trap door to hades.

Also I may or may not watch too much Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.

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