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Self-checkout machines are a godsend when I come back from work really late at night and haven’t eaten food since noon. But sometimes I get home during rush hour when everyone else is still figuring out what to eat for dinner. It is here where I’m left at the mercy of who ever is in front of me in the self-checkout line. Because I am a slave to the supermarket I’ve come up with a short list of weekly–sometimes daily depending on how much of a fatass I am that week–observations that I’d like to call…

What you shouldn’t bring to the self-check out:

The entire supermarket

Apparently every day is snomageddon for the person with this cart and the closest line is always the 15 items or less one. Nine times out of ten it’s filled with meat from the parts of the chicken nobody wants–such as chicken spleens–and supremely marked down Swanson TV dinner failures like frozen pea bisque.

Despite the surge of self-checkout machines replacing real jobs, the cart that is full of everything imaginable is the reason why we still need a human being behind the cashier. No doubt there’s going to be a problem item in that avalanche of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and Clorox bleach that the self-checkout machine isn’t going to be able to diagnose in five seconds.

Complete ineptitude

If you’ve never tried a self-checkout machine before then after work during rush hour is not the time to become the Dora The Explorer of Giant Food. The self checkout machine has a mind of its own and it will openly mock you in a crowd of people with its flashing help lights–which are embarrassing even if you do use one on a regular basis.

Personal health items

Have you heard the volume on a self-checkout machine? That shit is LOUD. I don’t really need everyone waiting in line behind me to know I just save 50 cents on a jar of Vlasic pickles but I damn sure don’t need anyone to know I saved $3 on mouthwash and deodorant. Now imagine something much worse than that being broadcast for everyone to hear.

I'm sure that's a conversation you weren't ready to have with little Johnny standing there

One Comment

  1. Kim says:

    omg, i wrote about this too!!

    Its always the ppl who SHOULDN’T be in self checkout that are there.

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