Date Lab: He had an insatiable sweet tooth. Too bad it wasn’t for his date.

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Tuesday June 22, 2010

8:00 P.M., TREE STUMP, HUNDRED ACRE WOOD

Mama Bear: I was running a little late when I got to Hundred Acre Wood around 8:15 p.m. Finding a sitter out here in the middle of nowhere is a challenge. I arrived to find a tree stump covered in red and white checker-pattern linen and a vase of daisies and honeysuckle—but no date. The honeysuckle, in my opinion was a little strange. Most people consider honeysuckle to be an invasive species but it was pleasant to smell and took on a different light inside the vase.

Pooh: There was a blowout sale on gallon honey jugs at the neighborhood store so I was behind schedule. I rushed to the tree stump to find her there. My first thought was that maybe she could have taken the time to not look like she just came fresh off the Aunt Jemima pancake box but she was cute in the face at least.

Mama Bear: I wasn’t terribly impressed with his attire. His shirt was obviously too small for his frame and bits of his fur were mashed together with what looked like dried honey. The “no pants” thing was also quite distracting but then I reserved judgment. There may not be pants tailor made for a bear of his girth.

Pooh: The menu came out and we went to town on it. We picked a honey glazed ham, a watercress salad covered in honeycomb shavings, beignets covered in honey marmalade and roasted bumblebees on skewers. She was kind of quiet during the ordering process so I guess she’s the shy type.

Mama Bear: He picked out every meal before I could even get a word in. I’m a diabetic so I can’t handle that much sugar. I barely touched any of it besides the salad.

Pooh: The conversation flowed nicely but we didn’t have much in common—especially food since she barely ate any of hers. She was a recent divorcee with two kids. I was a bachelor on the prowl with a successful career as an outdoor explorer. She was asking a bunch of questions about my career so at least she was intrigued.

Mama Bear: I’ve never heard of anyone claiming “outdoor explorer” as a career so I asked him what he did each day. Basically, he follows around a rabbit, a donkey and a pig—whom he is sure has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder—through the woods all day long. I doubt he does much exploring unless it’s to find more food to force down his gullet.

Pooh: It was clear after an hour that the conversation was getting kind of stagnant so I asked for the check and walked her to the end of the woods. I leaned in for a goodnight peck on her cheek. I’d give the date a 3.4 out of 5. She wasn’t a looker but I had an okay time.

Mama Bear: His lips were still glistening with honey and ham juice as he leaned in for a greasy smooch on my cheek. Even the most absorbent tissue couldn’t get the shine off. I’ll give it a 2.5 out of 5. Very minimal good conversation and I’m  hesitant to bring him around my children.

UPDATE: Do you really have to ask if they met again?

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