Conversation stoppers

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I’m not usually a fan of writing back to back posts on the same subject but my friend and I had such a horrendous night of fielding creepy online dating instant messages (IMs) that I felt compelled to share.

Below are the pursuits of a 24 year old male:

Him: enjoying the heat wave?
Me: i’m trying to remind myself that i’m not a fan of winter
Me: only when it snows
Me: and snows enough to be crippling and i can’t leave my house
Him: hahah
Me: but i already got that wish
Him: i have been walking around in boxers i don’t care
Me: lol
Him: too damn hot
Me: yeah it’s getting to be insufferable during the day
and night!
Him: i can always rub you down with some ice

^It is here where we have reached an impasse. How do I respond to this? How would you respond? Here’s what I suggested to my friend:

“Um as long as it isn’t dry ice?”

“Are you going to put it down my shirt? What is this sleepaway camp?”

My friend: “how about a dunk tank?”

My choice to go with uncomfortable silence rather than say any of the snarkier things we brainstormed backfired when he finally sent me another message.

Him: busy?
Me: yeah sorry my friend IMed me with a crises (total lie)
Me: so i got pulled away for a sec (total lie)

Meanwhile as I dodged a second IM from a guy named “SirSnacksAlot” a third IM crept up on my screen. The only extra information offered in the corner was his age (39) the fact he was straight and male. No thumbnail picture.

Him: how are you? baltimore guy here….work in dc
Him: white guy

About 20 minutes went by and those two lines were still all this person put as an introduction. I typed to my friend that it made it sound like he was out of breath, that I was a hooker in a hotel room and he was just trying to get formalities out of the way. But why the need to tell me you’re white? The curiosity was killing me…

Me: um just curious…why did you feel the need to put the race?

::clicks on profile::

Me: also you’re married…
Him: just wanted to fully disclose
Him: divorcing actually

Yes sir. From the very start you were in the interest of full disclosure. Blarg.

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