Coming to a Facebook news feed near you

Filed under automatic flush toilets, celine dion, facebook, groups
Tagged as

I understand the joy one feels when he or she discovers a group of people share the same quirk, whether it is flipping a pillow to get to the cold side or getting a text message from the last person you wanted to get one from. However, it is when one constantly points these out that shared practices and feelings lose their value. And no party is more guilty of exploiting this than Facebook.

I can’t stand it anymore.

I had to come up with a list to cut this off at a head. That way if I actually DO see these groups I’m less likely to cringe when I sign into Facebook:

People who sob silently in the corner of their office supply closet during the lunch hour.

Category: Common Interest – Health & Wellness

Description: Your goldfish just died. Your goldfish died because your cat ate them. Your tabby cat died because he ate your goldfish. You forgot to do your slides for your team’s PowerPoint presentation. You look like a stammering ass so just go ahead and cry it out (and pray no one in your office runs out of staples between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.).

I hate it when I stab someone and they don’t die right away!

Category: Common Interest – Families

Description: You told your sister she’d pay if she continued borrowing your flat iron without permission but she didn’t believe you. You are also manic depressive and you just happen to be trimming your split ends in the bathroom when you discover her latest transgression. Now she’s flailing and sputtering blood…the eyes are closi–wait. She’s still breathing. Damn it. Let’s try this again…

I don’t like it when the toilet gets to play God (People united against automatic flush toilets)

Category: Just For Fun – Too Much Information

Description: Look bitch I wasn’t done yet. My cheeks barely lifted off the seat. No I don’t want to press the butto–FINE. (Presses It). OH NOW YOU DON’T WANNA FLUSH ANYTHING YOU RAVENOUS PORCELAIN WHORE? I’m not even going to give you the benefit of a pre-flush wipe…

Asking people in your car what they want to listen to during a road trip but secretly wanting to force people to listen to Celine Dion’s “Falling Into You.”

Category: Music – Heaven Help Us

Description: Did anyone bring their iPod? No one? If not I’ve got a throwback CD I can play but feel free to say no!


  1. Slinxie. says:

    hahahahhahaha I LOVE IT!

    I hate those groups too…it now includes everything from "Sleeping" to "I like weekends." Who doesn't like weekends or sleeping? Satan, that's who.

  2. Nightowl says:

    Fun Fact: Satan controls the function of all the world's automatic flush toilets.

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