Author Archives: thelittlenightowl

Zero Fucks Countdown – 2017

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The news has been terrible this year. So to cheer myself up throughout it, I’ve been saving a bunch of links and screenshots of the animals and people who stopped giving a shit in very public ways. Here’s what made my cut.

 

 

10) I mean yes…you COULD have put it in your checked luggage. But you’re about to sit in the middle seat on a flight that doesn’t serve booze and you know there’s going to be a toddler who kicks higher than Ryu in Street Fighter seated behind you in between parents who still haven’t invested in the proper technology to shut their kid up on a four-hour flight. You also might have been drinking heavily in an airport bar called “Landing Gear” before you got to the TSA line…but no matter! Gladly chug that Hennessy bottle in one hand while flipping off a TSA agent with the other.

 

 

9) The only thing that could have made this better is if you photoshopped an explosion behind him. Children’s laughter is like poison to this man, and unplugging this poor man’s castle was the antidote. But to be honest,  he was doing them a favor. This birthday party was for a one-year-old. Everyone knows the first year party is strictly for the adults so that the parents can hold up their child like Simba and declare “We went a whole year without killing this. Now who wants some cake?” Some kids aren’t even walking by the time they turn one, so if the birthday kid can’t even enjoy it then no one should.  Or at least that’s the excuse I hope he told the police officer who showed up to the party.

 

 

8) Not only did she remember him, she deliberately went for a vulnerable area–the flesh between the thumb and the index finger. That is some MMA level shit. It’s “Game Over” in year nine when she finds out where his junk is.

 

 

7) You clearly give zero fucks about what goes into your body if you’re willing to take a gamble on cheese (?) behind bulletproof glass.  Do you REALLY know what’s in there? No. Is there a 50 percent chance it’s cut with the windshield fluid in between the pumps? Maybe. If you replace your gear oil with a red gas can of this, will your engine purr? Like a motherfucking kitten.

 

 

6) As someone who just spent a lot of time in a hospital recently, I can attest to the fact there is a severe shortage of available outlets that aren’t being used to deliver life-saving medicine. How am I supposed to cheer my mom up with YouTube videos of micropigs living in a doll house if I’m at 5% charge? She doesn’t even like this potassium IV drip anyway and I bet we can save on this hospital bill if I just get her bananas from the hospital food court.

For everyone’s sake, I hope she’s not a plaintiff in that iPhone slow down suit.

 

5) It’s like they KNOW I bought the stroller for my cat and they’re calling me out on my bullshit.

 

4) You guys remember how the Full House theme song goes, right? “Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, a jogger pooping.”

Seriously? The same house every time? Now is the time where I start to question what you did to deserve it. Maybe we’re all a couple of crappy parking jobs and noise violations away from getting the Daily Doo-Doo delivered to our lawn ourselves.

And you know that reporter got high-fives across the copy editor’s desk for that lede.

 

 

3) Well he’s sure causing a “Scramble”

Hope he still has some toast left for his “traffic jam”

**insert some lame joke about pancakes or whatever else is on his plate**

Look. I’m going extra corny because I’m just glad no one shot a black dude in the street for once.

 

 

2) Well it’s not “far less understandable” if the other expenses are a top hat, tiny leather shoes and cuff links because that’s obviously what goes with this outfit. “Sure the community food pantry will go barren for a month,” she’ll say at her inevitable hearing before the city council, “But when you spent as much time as *I* have looking for a veterinary ophthalmologist to fit Monsieur Le Pug for his monocle, you make the best decision with the choices you’re given.”

 

 

1) I wish I could say there are no headlines from Florida that surprise me anymore, but I can’t. This opossum is every girl who went through a hazing ritual at the one sorority on campus she got a bid for. She’s getting into Tri-Delt (Or in this case XXX) if it’s the last thing she fucking does, even if that means chugging a bottle of Kentucky Gentleman while riding a Kentucky gentleman from frat row.

 

 

Dredged from the bottom of “The Beach”

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There was an article today about how more than 1,000 items were recovered from the bottom of “The Beach” exhibit at the National Building Museum. Aside from a mass of lost cellphones and pairs of flip flops, here’s just a fraction of what else they found:

-Middle children from at least seven families

-A healthy first-string quarterback

-Gak. Real Gak.

-The amulet that animated rat Mrs. Brisby holds up in “The Secret of NIMH”

-An actual rat

-A Tinder date

-A family of four from Lincoln, Nebraska

-An eight-car Metrotrain

The Fry Party lives on…in my arteries

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I had to beat my chest the first year I went. My cholesterol probably spiked after the second. Now after a year hiatus, the heart-stopping Fry Party made its return to my friends’ current (and in some cases former) group house and to my loving but narrow arteries.

 

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Don’t even ask me about the Toaster Strudels. That was a total fail.

 

Let’s visit some of my more memorable fry-results, shall we?

THE FRY THAT SHOULD BE SOLD AT CAMDEN YARDS: Bacon wrapped hot dog

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Courtesy of Nesa, this meat on meat creation is good on its own and in a bun. Evenly wrapped and easy to fry, this was a good start to the party. Just remember toothpicks to hold the bacon slabs in place if you ever do this on your own.

THE FRY THAT PUT ANOTHER DIMENSION ON POTATOES: Fried mashed potato balls

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This is the only way I want to eat mashed potatoes now.

The breading was awesome and everything held together in the oil. I recommend maybe halving this or eating it in smaller bites instead of doing what I initially tried which was stuffing the entire thing in my mouth. A whole lot of potato in your mouth at once is a choking hazard.

THE FRY THAT STILL VISITS ME IN MY DREAMS: Fried double stuff Oreos and banana

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Thank you Winnie for your ingenuity. If not for it, I would not have have exposed to the glory that is tthe marriage of cream and the sweet solid potassium filled nectar. Yes it IS as gooey as it looks. And if I ever get a Charley horse this is what I want someone shoving down my gullet to replenish my muscle strength.

THE FRY THAT COULD’VE BEEN BETTER: Vegan soy chorizo bites

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Normally, when I hear that someone has brought anything vegan to a food gathering, my taste buds get as uncomfortable as Bobby Jindal within a two foot radius of a sari. But because I have soft spot for anything chorizo I gave it a shot. Honestly, it didn’t taste that bad, but this needs to be packed in TIGHTLY. It looks deceptively like falafel, but it’s not the same texture.

My reaction to The Bachelor finale as told through Pusheen The Cat

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OK when the finale first started I was all like  =

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because at Bachelor watch parties you eat the feelings of the final two FOR them. And as it became really obvious that Chris liked Becca more than Whitney I was like =

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Because Whitney is obviously the easy choice and I was convinced the sound of her voice was gonna send her home by the 2nd week of the show. And then when Becca was honest that she wasn’t going to pick up and leave immediately for someone she met 3 months ago I was like =

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Then Chris took Whitney farming for corn on their last solo date and Whitney was like =

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When in reality she was like = Screen shot 2015-03-10 at 1.32.53 AM over some f’in corn.

Well after that corn harvest they have a heart-to-heart where Whitney bears his soul to him, to which his only response was “I reciprocate your feelings” and I was like =

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Because WHO SAYS THAT? So I was thinking Becca probably had this in the bag. That is, until he rejected her in a barn and I was like =

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Then he picks Whitney, proposes marriage and I realize she’s going to drop a job she loves in a bomb ass city for this random dude and you’re just like =

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So the After the Rose special comes on we’re all feeling salty about his choice but then Chris Harrison said that there was a shocking twist I was like =

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And for a second I thought the twist was that he wasn’t with Whitney anymore, and I was like =

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Then Chris Soules came out and said he was still with Whitney and I was all like =

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But then Chris Harrison maintained there was still that shocking twist so I was holding onto my seat like =

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And then Jimmy Kimmel came on set and gifted Whitney and Chris a cow onstage and I was like =

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because I was thinking THAT BETTER NOT BE THE SHOCKING TWIST. And then Chris Harrison says the shocking twist has to do with The Bachelorette, so I was like =

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Then they come back from commercial break and said America was split down the middle on having either Britt or Kaitlyn as the next Bachelorette, and America was like =

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Because clearly everyone wanted Kaitlyn. But then they said the shocking twist was that there were going to be TWO bachelorettes, and I was like =

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Because NO ONE asked for that, and then I realized this means one of them is gonna get rejected again and I was just like =

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Then I realized I just spent 12 weeks watching this when I could’ve been like =

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and = Screen shot 2015-03-10 at 1.30.43 AM

But then I remembered it was quality time spent with the roomie and I was all like =

Screen shot 2015-03-10 at 1.31.27 AM

THE END.

Murder mystery book covers of pets who totally did that shit

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Don’t mind me. I’m just learning about your deepest fears so I can orchestrate the symphony of your untimely death.

Unless you buy me better cat food. Seriously. It wouldn’t kill you if you went here every once in a while.

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“Hey you wanna know what’s also by the bay? That body I maimed” – The dog

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The recipe requires just a dash of your blood—and by dash he means 3 pints.

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“Yeah. We did it. And we sipped on that sweet ass tea when it was over too”

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“Nothing to see here. Just a poodle selling flowers. What’s that? You want to go inside? Nah you don’t wanna do that. I got all these flowers out here! Look! I got…these pink ones…and uh I think these are lilac–what? You still want to go inside? OK just…um…I spilled a ALOT of red Kool Aid in there and it’s kind of messy…”

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OMG. GUILTY AS FUCK.

Where the f*@$ is my bus? And why is everybody jumping?

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Looks like NextBus isn’t going to come through for you this time:

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What happens when you type in “Why” on TheGoogle.com?

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TheGoogle

If your Facebook Movie had an IMDB page

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This is what it might look like:

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God this is depressing – Weather Channel Series (Part 3)

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In this third and final installment on The Weather Channel’s attempts to report on anything but the weather, we take a look at the debbie downer posts that made it hard to get out of bed in the morning:

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If it’s Cleveland then yes, your city is the saddest.

That is also the only answer to that question.

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Oh you mean out of the WALL OF LAVA? Surprisingly, they got out with just a few scratches.

Ah just kidding. They’re super dead.

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I can’t tell from this if I’m looking at a collection of ill-fated tumbleweeds about to meet sewer death or the facial features of a gargantuan Ewok but the overall point is that death is imminent.

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Can’t they put up a photo of a tropical resort instead? You’re not exactly selling global warming when your lead picture is the snow blocking my car exhaust.

 

weather channel - this place is doomed

That’s better. Full sadness restored.

Holy shit we’re all gonna die – Weather Channel Series (Part 2)

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If you were looking for a weather forecast in the past year and thought you might find it on a website called the Weather Channel, you might have been shit out of luck. But if you were looking for a forecast in how soon we were all going to kick the bucket, the Weather Channel website had you covered.

Here were some hints over the past year that we were closer than we thought to the underworld:

weather channel - does devil have a pool

And if he does can we get in for free or do we have to pay $5 because we’re a “guest of a member”?

I bet God’s bathtub has jacuzzi jets.

weather channel - mothership has landed

 

Everyone: Guard your butt holes.

weather channel - could this stop your heart

Are we talking about the “Sun” or “Tall buildings”? Either way I’m never going outside again.

 

weather channel - when rivers run red

I think we found the Devil’s Pool. And I don’t think it’s chlorinated.