Monthly Archives: April 2013

You don’t need Charmin…you need a butt doctor

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Sometimes Twitter will promote handles in hopes you will follow them. This was the case on Thursday afternoon when they suggested I follow Charmin.

In case you haven’t seen a Charmin toilet paper ad in a while, let me catch you up to speed: They’re using multi-colored bears to push their product:

charmin - asparagus

The thought of what his bathroom smells like after a post-asparagus piss almost makes me wet my OWN pants…


In the past few years they’ve made the leap from woods-shitting to defecating in bear-owned single-family homes to the tune of Sir Mix-A-Lot:


What’s worse is whoever runs the Charmin Twitter account is providing perhaps too much information about his or her rear problems. This person is either paralyzingly incontinent or has Crohn’s Disease. Let’s survey the evidence together, shall we:

charmin -  comes out green

Dude I don’t know. Maybe see a doctor about that.

charmin - smell follows

OK. DEFINITELY see a doctor about that.

charmin - oatmeal and coffee for bfast

Whoever kept track of this needs counseling.

charmin - tire pop

What the? NO. No. Jesus Christ.

charmin - meteor

A meteor is the least of your worries if you crapped your pants after a flat tire.

charmin - courtesy flush


charmin - shaking table

You seriously need a colonoscopy.

Are you ready for reality TV stardom? Here’s a flow chart!

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It seems I have developed a bad habit of consuming on-demand reality TV during the nights I’m not at an open mic. The good thing is I’m aware of the problem and I can stop at any time.** In fact, I’ve watched so much that I’ve developed this map that can either guide you to a preferred topic based on the network OR perhaps guide you if you’re interested in having your life filmed in a multi-camera format (click to enlarge):


**Please don’t ask me to stop. Otherwise you wouldn’t get gems like this ^