Monthly Archives: March 2013

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 5)

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Yet another round of cell phone inbox cleaning has yielded some out-of-context (and occasional in context) messages for you to enjoy:

OMG this candidate’s results party has a taco bar and is currently blasting “We Built This City.” This dude’s a fucking winner.

I just ate a shit ton of Rolos and I wanted you to know.

Watching the md game from inside a Cheesecake Factory. This is easily one of the top ten saddest moments of my life.

I don’t think I’m bringing pants.

Asked the Metro attendant to check my card when it wouldn’t process. Had $0.40. He looked SO disappointed in me.

Don’t judge me. Tits or gtfo
Wait not you. That was meant for someone else. You didn’t see anything. :p
Btw, I’m not/wasn’t drunk. Just stating facts. There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.

Whoa I just saw a biiiiiiig piece of shit on the sidewalk. Didn’t really look like it came from a dog…

Woman in Golden Corral ad describes its $12.99 Thanksgiving Day buffet (!) as “[her] family’s new holiday tradition.”

Hooray for nonrape!

The HIV belly fat guy had a good run, but I’m kind of glad to see that he’s no longer on every Metro station advertisement.

Big news! I just massively farted.

I’m 28 and had cereal for dinner. I’m either winning or losing at life.

I wish I could be down in MD so I could take you out for a taco related bday dinner

Don’t open the refrigerator or freezer if u don’t have to!

Dude all I know in life is I have no idea what the hell I’m doing

Top three reasons why Whitesnake should replace white smoke (New Pope Edition)

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(1) We can finally start pairing these two together as gifts to people entering Vatican City:


(2) Tawny Kitaen shows up. Then she gets kicked out of Vatican City when she starts rolling around on the floor of the Sistine Chapel. When asked why she did it she’ll say she mistook it for the hood of a Jaguar.



In other news, the attendance at Catholic mass has skyrocketed


and finally (3) Lead singer David Coverdale sings “Here I Go Again” to Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina in Latin.

But here’s the version we know and love (just cause I like it so much):