Monthly Archives: August 2011

If only the real world could be powered by doughnuts

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While I have no desire to join Cityville, Farmville or any of those virtual towns I get requests for, I do wonder how much better (or worse) my life would be if I REALLY lived there and was an active participant:

 

You know you had a rough night/you have a hallucinogenic drug dependency if you leave a hotel and there's a bird that isn't even a parrot telling you in English to have a nice day.

 

Okay...worst and fattest cops ever. From the beginning of August I counted 20 REQUESTS for this. You don't need doughnuts anymore. You need insulin. And a treadmill

 

I'll save the seahorse but I'll be damned if I save the snake. Twenty bucks says it bites me the first chance it gets. Look how colorful it is. The brightest ones are almost ALWAYS the most poisonous ones....

 

I guess they're real proponents of afternoon drinking here (This was a Sunday. Yes I checked the calendar). Also thank God they said upfront what was in there. I just saw a mason jar with a picture of what I THINK is a squirrel on the side and I didn't know what to think.

 

What is it with this city and doughnuts? Are these fresh out the oven Krispy Kreme doughnuts we're talking about? Why are the criminals wearing Batman & Robin style eye bands? What made them cry? Police brutality? SO MANY QUESTIONS

 

Are we getting a jumpstart on celebrating Bastille Day? Because you're six days too late for America. This town is horribly unpatriotic if it takes baseball caps to inspire them.

 

The caramel ferret is the only one that's really selling it here. The deer is PRANCING in this photo. She does not look poor, injured or wounded in the slightest. She had better develop some fierce looking "Precious Moments" sad eyes if she wants a home.

 

The DMV Drivers You Love To Hate

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Driver’s ed class may be a distant memory for most of us but I’ll never forget the evening we had to watch the mandatory “How To Handle Your Road Rage” video.

The best part was when the husky motorist of a GMC sport utility vehicle leaped out of his car with a crowbar and lunged at the tailgating driver behind him in the middle of traffic. Our class cracked up so hard that one kid actually got out of his seat and rewound the tape so we could watch it again.

Now more than 10 years later not only do I sympathize with crowbar guy I sometimes think I could BE crowbar guy if prompted. The union of a blunt object and someone else’s car windshield isn’t enough punishment for the people who drive you and me to insanity on a daily basis in the D.C. area.

During my daily travels on mostly I-495 and I-95 there are categories of drivers I could care less for:

The “Doesn’t like it when you stop at stop signs” driver

This isn't German for "Full speed ahead." Ass.

I’ve gotten honked at for stopping at a LEGAL stop sign as if I had gotten out of my car and started break dancing on the solid white line. I stopped for three seconds. I didn’t do a one-woman Chinese fire drill–and if I did you should damn well appreciate my agility under pressure. This one also applies for the person who doesn’t like it when you look both ways before entering a busy road from a highway exit ramp.

The “Oh shit I need to be in THAT lane” driver

At some point the vehicle on your left will magically end up where the black one is--and by magic I mean via a multiple car pile up.

You’re in the lane to go to I-95 North toward Baltimore when you suddenly remember that your real destination is Prince George’s County. So you decide to go NASCAR on unsuspecting drivers and skid across three lanes of traffic to get on I-495 South.

If you’re nowhere near a dashed line to safely merge into another lane and you’re on I-95 North then guess what? You’re going to Baltimore. You’re going to Baltimore until you figure out a way to safely and LEGALLY correct your mistake.

Why can’t people just accept failure if it means the difference between killing or not killing another driver? This is the DMV not an abandoned backwoods country road. You won’t have to wait an hour before you can turn around. Believe me the traffic you’re about to sit en route to wherever you’re going will be 10x worse than the time it takes to change direction.

The “Slow for miles but speeds to make the traffic light” driver

Wishing death upon the person who does this isn’t enough. When this person enters eternal damnation–which is guaranteed–he or she will be forced to drive behind an 18-passenger van down a long state highway filled with traffic lights–with red light cameras.

The “I can’t shut my turn signal off to save my life” driver

You can't tell from this but it's been flashing for an hour

Do they make silent turn signals now? They don’t? That’s what I thought because I have yet to be inside of a car that doesn’t make a clicking sound when you’re signaling to turn or get in another lane. So why leave it on…forever? Why can’t you shut it off? You’re confusing everyone. And don’t try to get into the lane you’ve been signaling to get in for 30 minutes on a congestion-free highway.

The “I don’t know what lane to be in so I’ll straddle two” driver

God I hope that's a cop behind you

I bet if we polled the common offenders for this we would find they all for different reasons missed the obligatory “Sharing” lesson in their respective pre-kindergarten classes. You can’t have both. Pick one and stay in it.

Oh the things I find on the ground…

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….like this magazine clipping found face down in front of my apartment building steps. The lazy person inside of me said don’t pick it up. The journalist slash environmentally concerned part of me (because hey who wants to see litter?) told me to grab it. I was not disappointed:

I like that even at its very core, the meal Paula Deen was going to make President Obama was basically “chicken and watermelon.”