Monthly Archives: August 2010

What if they lost their phones?

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Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 3)

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My phone keeps telling me my inbox is too full to send OR receive messages so I figured it’s about time for a third installment of random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I’m a fat ass. I just stopped at Boston market. It’ll be 10 by the time I get home.

my mom just told me a new muffin recipe and said, “it’s like you, cheap and easy.” thanks mom.

Your hair better be spectacular for today’s prior indiscretions

Wow that was a cool story before it got all racist

Does vasquez want fries with that shake?

I just peed on a tree and felt the need to tell you

Omg there are scientologists recruiting in ss

If I get sick again, someone will pay

Why is there a tv news crew at this school mtg?

I hope you like tall toasters. The black toasters are all about eleven inches high, while the white ones are eight. Social commentary?

thanks, sorry i ran off like a crazy person

Sometimes I really question my age bc there’s nothing I looooove more than hearing Luther followed by the gap band on the radio after a long day at work

Will u still taste test brownies tonight?

its weird not to have an ethiopian taxi driver!

Did you throw something at the TV

Ya. Also u know how i should mill around and talk to ppl before this starts? I’d rather sit here and avoid everyone. And nap

Ps there’s a man wearing business slacks, mens shoes, a red womens coat and a womens scarf on my train

I’m on a 24 hr champagne diet

Ok why did I just see this fool with christmas lights all over his suv??? I guess they now make them 2 plug into cig lighter…

Omg. Spent over an hr on shit that I can’t even write abt.

I wonder how many ppl don’t hate their jobs
Btw I really don’t wanna work today

Woooow. We are so starting a sitcom.

Haha fuck that, pat the baby down

i just overheard an old lady ask her husband “you wanna wear women’s shirts now? are you getting kinky?”

After all that talk of daily stabbings, I should have offered you a ride back!

I only speak coherently when I drink

oh my gosh that serial killer is hot! and he went to umd? i’m so upset

some crazy guy just called the station claiming that dan snyder is a scientologist bc tom cruise was in his box

I am sick of sleeping in the stall at work

Why is the macgruber cast on WWE Monday night raw?! Lol. Wtf?

Guess what it is getting to be slurpee season

I’m disregarding the last 4 texts i received

At least he was honest?

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I got a digital “wink” on an online dating site from some 33-year-old guy who gave nothing other than this message:

“How can i get to know you?”

The rest of his profile is pretty generic and leaves nothing to be desired. He says he’s good at “humor and cuddling” and that “air, food, humor, church, gym and women” are the six things he could never do without.

But I was left perplexed at what he listed in the section “The most private thing I’m willing to admit:”

“I need a women that’s not afraid to please me with her lips, at least once every other day.”


Aside from the fact that he meant “woman” (I hope) I thought, “This could mean so many different things” and if we’re friends, you already know that none of these things were appropriate.

Maybe this is an overreaction and he is talking about kissing, but I think it’s unrealistic to think people schedule “kissing” or “making out” like they take Lipitor to lower their cholesterol.

Unless he owns one of these ^

At least once every other day – this is a rather rigid requirement. The words “at” and “least” are key here because it means there’s an expectation that whatever you’re asking for may be a daily obligation. If that’s the case I have some questions:

Will this be happening at a set time?  If so I already blocked out 7 p.m. for “Jeopardy.” Trebek trumps all.

Can we reach an agreement that selecting “air” as one of the “six things you could never do without” is a given and acknowledge the awkward juxtaposition of the word “church” with the fact you need to be pleasured “at least once every other day“?

If whatever you’re asking for is happening “at least once every other day” will there be a written agreement for you to also shower and brush your teeth “at least once every other day”? NOTE: In this agreement it will be strongly suggested to heed the words “every” and “day

Okay it’s bed time. I should try writing these posts at a reasonable hour at least once every other day.

Taking a walk down a crispy aisle in the church of pork and latter-day shanks

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Background: We really like bacon. A lot.

Friend: if we were married, i would take you to a bacon themed resort where all they did was play crazy internet videos and wild twitter statuses all day


Me: that is a marriage with a stronger foundation than most.
if anyone has an objection to this union, oink now or forever roast your peace
your delicious, tender peace

Friend: hahahahaha, we’re eloping, i’m pulling the car around

Me: hahaaa

Me: that would be the best reception. ever
holy shit
we would need a cardiologist
but the extra money would be worth it

Friend: the candle that shines twice as bright burns half as long

Me: kind of like the chambers to our heart pumping harder with bacon infused blood

it’s so beautiful, i’m getting misty

Me: hahahaa

Friend: it might not be a ring, but i think it gets the point across

Me: hahaaahaa

What people REALLY said after the Coors Light Train plowed through their football game…

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It’s summertime and I would think most people have seen this commercial by now, or at least a variation on it (and if the video doesn’t work just watch it HERE🙂

Coors Light • Love Train – Watch more Funny Videos]

But I always wondered what people said after an enormous trackless train spewing ice and beer left the stadium. Would they still be happy or would some of them be pissed off?  I always thought the comments would go something like these below:

So…there’s going to be a Bud Light Lime train coming soon, right?

The ONE DAY I forget to bring a jacket…

No one else notices that the train ran over the quarterback?

(No Response)

Really? Wow, okay.

Is there a medic in this stadium?! My 8-year-old niece got clocked in the head by one of those flying cans…

I have a party next week and I don’t have any central air. Is this train available upon request? Like, is there a number I can call?

I don’t care how much free beer this train gives me, I am NOT giving can daps to a Cowboys fan…

God damn it where was this train during my divorce proceedings? It was hot as balls in that courtroom on Tuesday.

Man: This is a lot better than the Schlitz Malt Liquor train at the last game.

Woman: That was a train? Wasn’t that just a U-Haul hitched to the back of a Chevy Nova?

I heard a rumor that the train operator isn’t really drunk but just some menopausal woman in the middle of a hot flash.

Oh shit. I think I left the car windows open. Fuck it. It’s too late now.