Monthly Archives: August 2010
My phone keeps telling me my inbox is too full to send OR receive messages so I figured it’s about time for a third installment of random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:
I’m a fat ass. I just stopped at Boston market. It’ll be 10 by the time I get home.
my mom just told me a new muffin recipe and said, “it’s like you, cheap and easy.” thanks mom.
Your hair better be spectacular for today’s prior indiscretions
Wow that was a cool story before it got all racist
Does vasquez want fries with that shake?
I just peed on a tree and felt the need to tell you
Omg there are scientologists recruiting in ss
If I get sick again, someone will pay
Why is there a tv news crew at this school mtg?
I hope you like tall toasters. The black toasters are all about eleven inches high, while the white ones are eight. Social commentary?
thanks, sorry i ran off like a crazy person
Sometimes I really question my age bc there’s nothing I looooove more than hearing Luther followed by the gap band on the radio after a long day at work
Will u still taste test brownies tonight?
its weird not to have an ethiopian taxi driver!
Did you throw something at the TV
Ya. Also u know how i should mill around and talk to ppl before this starts? I’d rather sit here and avoid everyone. And nap
Ps there’s a man wearing business slacks, mens shoes, a red womens coat and a womens scarf on my train
I’m on a 24 hr champagne diet
Ok why did I just see this fool with christmas lights all over his suv??? I guess they now make them 2 plug into cig lighter…
Omg. Spent over an hr on shit that I can’t even write abt.
I wonder how many ppl don’t hate their jobs
Btw I really don’t wanna work today
Woooow. We are so starting a sitcom.
Haha fuck that, pat the baby down
i just overheard an old lady ask her husband “you wanna wear women’s shirts now? are you getting kinky?”
After all that talk of daily stabbings, I should have offered you a ride back!
I only speak coherently when I drink
oh my gosh that serial killer is hot! and he went to umd? i’m so upset
some crazy guy just called the station claiming that dan snyder is a scientologist bc tom cruise was in his box
I am sick of sleeping in the stall at work
Why is the macgruber cast on WWE Monday night raw?! Lol. Wtf?
Guess what it is getting to be slurpee season
I’m disregarding the last 4 texts i received
Background: We really like bacon. A lot.
Friend: if we were married, i would take you to a bacon themed resort where all they did was play crazy internet videos and wild twitter statuses all day
Me: that is a marriage with a stronger foundation than most.
if anyone has an objection to this union, oink now or forever roast your peace
your delicious, tender peace
Friend: hahahahaha, we’re eloping, i’m pulling the car around
Me: that would be the best reception. ever
we would need a cardiologist
but the extra money would be worth it
Friend: the candle that shines twice as bright burns half as long
Me: kind of like the chambers to our heart pumping harder with bacon infused blood
Friend: it’s so beautiful, i’m getting misty
Friend: it might not be a ring, but i think it gets the point across http://eats.com/images/stories/eats/foodie_news/june_09/bacon_and_eggs.jpg
It’s summertime and I would think most people have seen this commercial by now, or at least a variation on it (and if the video doesn’t work just watch it HERE
But I always wondered what people said after an enormous trackless train spewing ice and beer left the stadium. Would they still be happy or would some of them be pissed off? I always thought the comments would go something like these below:
So…there’s going to be a Bud Light Lime train coming soon, right?
The ONE DAY I forget to bring a jacket…
No one else notices that the train ran over the quarterback?
Really? Wow, okay.
Is there a medic in this stadium?! My 8-year-old niece got clocked in the head by one of those flying cans…
I have a party next week and I don’t have any central air. Is this train available upon request? Like, is there a number I can call?
I don’t care how much free beer this train gives me, I am NOT giving can daps to a Cowboys fan…
God damn it where was this train during my divorce proceedings? It was hot as balls in that courtroom on Tuesday.
Man: This is a lot better than the Schlitz Malt Liquor train at the last game.
Woman: That was a train? Wasn’t that just a U-Haul hitched to the back of a Chevy Nova?
I heard a rumor that the train operator isn’t really drunk but just some menopausal woman in the middle of a hot flash.
Oh shit. I think I left the car windows open. Fuck it. It’s too late now.