Monthly Archives: February 2010

if you think natural roughage is sexy you might have a chance

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Filed under chris hansen, dating, flatulence, raw vegetables, to catch a predator
Tagged as , , , ,

I joined this online dating site a few months ago so I wouldn’t be the only roommate in the apartment that never gave this a try. Sometimes people can randomly message you and I generally get creepers that make me (a) want to disable the chat function (b) sad that they can’t hold a regular conversation without immediately jumping to past sexual history and (c) tempted to watch a backlog of episodes of “To Catch a Predator” to help Chris Hansen actually ID some of these men.

The guy below added me to his “favorites” list, so when he sent me an IM–which I usually cringe in anxiety when I see–I figured I at least owed it to him to make some conversation. Then I quickly realized after he started typing that I owed it to myself to mess with his head:

Guy: hey

Guy: how are you

Me: good! how about you?

Me: surviving the snomageddon?

Guy: yup lol

Guy: you

Guy: you are very sexy

Me: yeah me too just not looking forward to the next one coming

Guy: yup

Me: oh um wow thanks

Guy: ya wish i was snowed in with u lol

Me: haha thanks

Me: so what did you to to pass the time during the storm?

Guy: hehe go on here

Guy: tv

Guy: read

Guy: masturbate lol

Guy: u?

Me: a lot actually, let me see if i can remember it all

Me: i woke up and looked outside

Me: heaved a heavy sigh at the amount of snow on my car

Me: cried loudly and deeply about how much i was going to have to clean off

Me: which kind of woke up my roommates

Me: then i sucked it up

Guy: lol

Me: and vegged out

Me: but literally vegged out

Me: i ate an entire raw veggie platter from giant food

Guy: nice

Guy: did u get laid?

Me: it’s kind of impossible to get laid after you eat an entire raw veggie platter under 36 minutes

Me: you can’t even get your roommate to look you in the eye after you leave the bathroom

Me: for the 13th time

Me: much less nail someone

Me: or be nailed

Guy: lol

How I Interpret The Red Line

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Filed under red line, wmata

I’d like to say Adams Morgan should be renamed “No Peeing Till You Get To 18th Street” but I can’t flip the image in that angle (plus it’s too long anyways).

Milo the A-hole – Part III

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Filed under Uncategorized

Meant to post this a while ago. A third e-mail in the saga of my friend’s contentious relationship with her parents’ dog Milo in NJ.

from: Shyv
to: Becky, Natalie
date: Fri, Dec 18, 2009 at 2:14 AM
subject: Your Somewhat Irregular Horror Story Testimonial

Hello again,

First off, I’d like to apologize for not keeping you as updated as I previously planned. Grad school is eating my life. No, no, it’s not because Mr. Asshole has been good. That would be a Christmas Miracle (and/or Hanukkah because let’s face it, we may need 2 holidays to pull that off). So let us revisit our unhappy memories for another episode of Milo’s Unforgivable Acts.

Sir Jerkus has had no let up of his reign of terror over the towels. I think Mom has officially no good hand cloths left where the corners are still there. I don’t know what it is about those corners but I guess eating the rest of the hand towel would just be too much. Always looking for something new and daring to try, Milo decided its now time to move onto bigger and better things: let’s try the big towel. So Milo had a Feast De Mom’s Red Towel and tore that puppy to shreds. I was almost tempted to capture the aftermath and send it to you. Imagine little red strings that was once your bath towel strewn about the room in a Mardi Gras festive manner. When I saw it, I laughed for 3 reasons:
1. It’s not my towel
2. It’s not in my room
3. It’s not my problem

Mom has since stopped buying expensive comfy towels and goes for the 2.99 10 pack at WalMart. Oh and to add insult to injury, he leaves Mom a present the next morning and promptly voms breakfast and towel remnants on her only carpet.

Lately we have gotten into the unfortunate habit of waking Shyvonne up while she is napping. Incessantly scratching at the door is not appreciated and the behavior will be corrected because Shyvonne is not a happy camper when woken up prematurely. And that’s all I have to say about that.

So Le Grand Turkey Nabber has also another food to add on his list. I came home from my last exam, forgetting there was a scone in my bag and during my nap, he thought it would be a grand idea to empty the contents of my bag and find said baked good. He then eats the whole thing, paper included. Maybe that’s why we didnt wake me from my nap.

Last but certainly not the least, it comes w/ great sadness and a heavy heart that I must announce the passing of my black Old Navy flip flops that were only worn for a short summer when I get at least 2 summers out of them. The perpetrator had a grand total of 40 mins to commit this heinous act and wasted no time in doing so. He also committed a random hate act against a tissue box but that comes at no surprise. No, we went to Super Spiteful Level Defcon 5 when we ate the thongs of the flip flops. There was nothing that could have been done to save them and were pronounced dead at the scene. He’s lucky they’re 2.50. The jury, judge, and the universe found the murderer guilty and sentenced him to 30mins outside in 30 degree weather, and I didn’t even feel bad about it (I wanted to keep him out there longer but then Dad came home and yelled at me. In which case I asked him where his loyalties lie.)

And what does Mom do with all this news? Laughs and says MILO! but in a non-serious tone. (Except for the Towel Crisis 2k9 – Milo did receive the silent treatment and was regulated to the downstairs couch.)

Endnotes:
He. Farts. So. Much. And I will not divulge anymore into that.

He also snores like an 80 year old 200lbs man. I can’t tell you who’s worse: him or my Dad.

Perhaps next time I’ll add photos of the offending acts that is if I can stay calm enough and am not running around trying to beat his ass.
Well that’s all that we have time for today. Join us next time, same bat time, same bat channel.