Monthly Archives: January 2010

Oprah’s full, healing bosom could not save Leno

Filed under bermuda, blindness, fresh prince of bel air, gayle king, jay leno, oprah, pontiac

I read the transcript from the Oprah/Leno interview on the Chicago Tribune and aside from the ratings & money issue (b/c let’s face it he and Conan were both making more than any of us ever would BEFORE this controversy started) the gist of what I got from reading his comments is that Leno has no dignity. Yeah, that’s who I want to laugh myself to sleep to each night: the person who knew he was under appreciated but just laid down and died anyway without much forward thinking of how it could damage his career.

But now onto another issue.

With the exception of the whole James Frey brouhaha I didn’t think it was possible to go on Oprah and then come out looking worse than you did before. I saw the questions she asked and clearly it’s not Oprah’s fault, for he had her healing elixir in front of him and he did not thirst.

Unknown to many, in Oprah’s green room of her Chicago studio lies a manual that outlines the power of her influence on one’s physical health and economic welfare. Unfortunately for Jay, Oprah flew out to L.A. to meet him so he never saw it, though I think after 25 years Leno should know so I figured I would share some tidbits from a pirated copy:

*When Oprah walks the barren ground of a third world country it only takes one tear to drop from her cheek to yield one square mile of plush Bermuda grass.

*Free Pontiac G6 sedans are now child’s play. Oprah just gave you an M1 Abrams battle tank. No seriously, look outside.

*Oprah touched a blind kid’s eyes and obviously he was able to see. Then that same kid watched his first Jay Leno monologue and willingly jammed his walking stick into his eardrum. When Oprah asked if she could use her regenerative powers to stop the bleeding he adamantly refused.

*People who lie to Oprah get sent into space without warning. Gayle King has a skeleton key to any house in the United States and she’ll stand over you with a harpoon gun until you pack your belongings for the flight. Her parting gift will be one square of Ledo’s pizza to last you for the rest of your life.

*Carlton Banks’ dance to the old school Oprah Winfrey Show theme song has been entered into the Radio Television Broadcaster’s Hall of Fame (And if you’ve never seen this clip I highly recommend you watch it now. It won’t disappoint).

And finally, but just as important:

*Oprah fills in for Jesus on his lunch breaks.

You had your chance Jay. You squandered it.

but…but…i don’t have stretchmarks, dang it

Filed under ads, facebook, margaritas, stretchmarks, tequila

Friend: why was this facebook ad just on my page?

Like Tequila? is your expert for all things Tequila! Find the best cocktails, learn about rare brands and expand your tequila horizons.

Me: hahaha
did you have a convo recently on your wall about tequila or tequila related items?
i feel they scour for things like that

Friend: well
the last time i saw it i had just come from melissas page (on her bday) and she said something about having a margarita
but i didnt do that today

Me: hah
i had one come up about me getting rid of my stretch marks
i was like wtf

Friend: hahahaha

Me: i didn’t gain a bunch of weight and lose it recently nor have i been pregnant
so i don’t know where the hell that came from
just keep sending me lonely single ads like you normally do, facebook
stop jumping the gun

Friend: lol

Me: i’m married for fun to my friend
but they still know

Friend: lol

Me: that’s so depressing LOL

Friend: i usually dont look at them
but i think “tequila” caught my eye lol

Me: haha
in the past i would x out of them and they would ask me if the ad was favorable to me
no wait
it would be like rate this ad, good, bad, okay, etc
they had other
i always picked other
so i could type out a response about how absurd the ad was they gave me
in the hopes that if i was mean enough they would just stop sending me ads
but apparently that didn’t work. maybe i need to start personally insulting mark zuckerberg’s mom or something

Friend: lol
let me know how that works out for you

Me: yeah you’ll know soon enough
b/c my account will be deleted

Friend: hahahaha

Coming to a Facebook news feed near you

Filed under automatic flush toilets, celine dion, facebook, groups
Tagged as

I understand the joy one feels when he or she discovers a group of people share the same quirk, whether it is flipping a pillow to get to the cold side or getting a text message from the last person you wanted to get one from. However, it is when one constantly points these out that shared practices and feelings lose their value. And no party is more guilty of exploiting this than Facebook.

I can’t stand it anymore.

I had to come up with a list to cut this off at a head. That way if I actually DO see these groups I’m less likely to cringe when I sign into Facebook:

People who sob silently in the corner of their office supply closet during the lunch hour.

Category: Common Interest – Health & Wellness

Description: Your goldfish just died. Your goldfish died because your cat ate them. Your tabby cat died because he ate your goldfish. You forgot to do your slides for your team’s PowerPoint presentation. You look like a stammering ass so just go ahead and cry it out (and pray no one in your office runs out of staples between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.).

I hate it when I stab someone and they don’t die right away!

Category: Common Interest – Families

Description: You told your sister she’d pay if she continued borrowing your flat iron without permission but she didn’t believe you. You are also manic depressive and you just happen to be trimming your split ends in the bathroom when you discover her latest transgression. Now she’s flailing and sputtering blood…the eyes are closi–wait. She’s still breathing. Damn it. Let’s try this again…

I don’t like it when the toilet gets to play God (People united against automatic flush toilets)

Category: Just For Fun – Too Much Information

Description: Look bitch I wasn’t done yet. My cheeks barely lifted off the seat. No I don’t want to press the butto–FINE. (Presses It). OH NOW YOU DON’T WANNA FLUSH ANYTHING YOU RAVENOUS PORCELAIN WHORE? I’m not even going to give you the benefit of a pre-flush wipe…

Asking people in your car what they want to listen to during a road trip but secretly wanting to force people to listen to Celine Dion’s “Falling Into You.”

Category: Music – Heaven Help Us

Description: Did anyone bring their iPod? No one? If not I’ve got a throwback CD I can play but feel free to say no!