Monthly Archives: September 2009

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 2)

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Here are some more random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

I can hear my new neighbor through the bathroom vent singing in the shower…he’s working his way through the rent soundtrack

(on Delaware traffic)
Son of a beach im not even [in] the flippin state and the traffic already starts. For the love of all that is holy someone bomb this state.

Now I’m pooping. U can stop worrying.

stuck in chicago ohare but i keep seeing tons of gorgeous men! you didn’t mention the eyecandy when you told me about ur trip…

you got caught up in the CROSSFIRE

Asshole milo strikes again: the tissue box and a plastic bottle were the only fatalities

and my fave nbcwashington headline: metro wants you to start snitching on operators

 

Riddle me this. Waiting to get eyebrows done, another woman ahead of me. I start playing with her 4yrold son. She says “ur so good w/kids, do u have any?” I say no. Then woman doing eyebrows adds “she’s single” I have never told this woman whether i was married or single. HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS?! Is it written on my face? My eyebrows perhaps?

Me: Yeah how WOULD she know? Do we give off a scent of ramen and haagen daaz? That is $&%*#$% weird. Stalker?

 

he isn’t ethiopian!

Me: Holy shit. This is a first

 

when i think about you i touch myself

 

(watching post-1998 MJ videos on BET)

blood on the dance floor. also painfully bad

 

Buy me 1000 drinks

Me: Welcome to the friend answering service! Choose from the following options: (a) No (b) Sure! Just give me “1,000 drinks” money (c) Give ME 1,000 drinks

Suck it!

Me: Coincidentally that is also choice (d) 😀

Milo the A-hole

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My friend Shyv is back home in south NJ now b/c she’s going to grad school in Philly and she has to deal with her parents’ dog, Milo, who we’ve heard stories about being the biggest a-hole ever. Her parents are out of town and so it was just her and Milo. Becky & I said we wanted updates about his antics and this is what she sent:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: shyvonne
Date: Tue, Sep 15, 2009 at 2:02 PM
Subject: Milo’s Mischief Review
To: Natalie , Becky

I figured you wanted an update on how Milo & I’s 5 day bonding session was going. It is an odd thing to say that nothing disastrous has happened since my parents left for AZ. There have been no fatalities. No random pieces of inanimate objects strewn about the floor for me to clean up. It’s been surprisingly peaceful. The most he has done is follow me every which way around the house. So here are the only annoying occurrences to date that I found in his trapper keeper of evil plans:

* Our favorite time to eat breakfast is 7:45am. If we do not get our breakfast at said time, we like to run around the bed repeatedly until Shyvonne wakes up. Or we use or claw like hands to scratch at Shyvonne when she rolls over. Desperate measures (which were taken this morning): is when we need to jump up on the bed and lick her insessantly. God forbid she moves even the slightest around this time because that means she’s up right? The annoying can commence?

* We don’t understand the concept of stretching before running. You’re on the ground so that must mean you want to play right? Oh look your sneakers… you want to put them on? Here allow me to chew them off your foot.

* Walking on the treadmill must mean 2 things: a) you want me on there with you or b) you’re almost done so you want me to lick that sweat off… oh look there’s those sneakers again. How did those get on? Here I’ll get those for you. Why are you hopping on one foot to get that sneaker away from me? Bring it down here or I will claw you to death.

* You climbed back into bed. I can see the bed now so I guess it’s time to take a nap up there. Oh are these your feet? Well they’re in my spot. Allow me to kick at them until you move them. Thank you.

* There will be no youtube videos while I’m napping. Violation of this means I look at you funny and then we get into a fight. You woke me up, not my problem.

So nothing too terrible right. That’s what I’m thinking. If I find shredded stuff after Thursday, I’m convinced that it’ll have to do something with my parents because there has been no shredding of personal items since they left. No tissue box demises. No towel decimation. Nothing.

Well I hope that was entertaining for you. Sorry theres no warbling or yowling involved. I’m sure he’ll get into trouble once Jean & Mike get home.

Peace, love, and doggie treats,
Shyvonne

A recap of the 2009 VMAs…in motivational poster form

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a convo about incontinent bums with a guy nicknamed "homeless"

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me: it would be even better if it were grape drink: http://breakingnews.baltimoresun.com/2009/08/31/tractor-trailer-carrying-grape-juice-overturns-in-city/
David: SUGAR WATER PURPLE!
me: Police are redirecting traffic in the Greektown area after a sugar, water, purple spill
Coincidentally this not the first time such a spill has occurred in the neighborhood
Joe Thayer, 77, remembers the great apple drink spill of 1983
“The entire curb was stained green for weeks,” Thayer said. “It took the work of hundreds of urinating bums over a couple of months before it looked normal again.”
David: LMAO!!!
that’s a lot of curb urine
me: well there are a lot of bmore bums
they’ll get the job done
whether they realize it or not
David: really could use some apple drink right now