In this third and final installment on The Weather Channel’s attempts to report on anything but the weather, we take a look at the debbie downer posts that made it hard to get out of bed in the morning:
If it’s Cleveland then yes, your city is the saddest.
That is also the only answer to that question.
Oh you mean out of the WALL OF LAVA? Surprisingly, they got out with just a few scratches.
Ah just kidding. They’re super dead.
I can’t tell from this if I’m looking at a collection of ill-fated tumbleweeds about to meet sewer death or the facial features of a gargantuan Ewok but the overall point is that death is imminent.
Can’t they put up a photo of a tropical resort instead? You’re not exactly selling global warming when your lead picture is the snow blocking my car exhaust.
That’s better. Full sadness restored.
If you were looking for a weather forecast in the past year and thought you might find it on a website called the Weather Channel, you might have been shit out of luck. But if you were looking for a forecast in how soon we were all going to kick the bucket, the Weather Channel website had you covered.
Here were some hints over the past year that we were closer than we thought to the underworld:
And if he does can we get in for free or do we have to pay $5 because we’re a “guest of a member”?
I bet God’s bathtub has jacuzzi jets.
Everyone: Guard your butt holes.
Are we talking about the “Sun” or “Tall buildings”? Either way I’m never going outside again.
I think we found the Devil’s Pool. And I don’t think it’s chlorinated.
I usually rely on the Weather Channel website to tell me whether I need an umbrella, a light jacket or snow boots—all of which you might need in the same day if you live in the District.
Recently, they went through a site redesign, which is great considering their previous format bordered on fear-mongering:
Of course their design faux pas didn’t get in the way of my plans to do my own series of their worst headlines as shown through a personal screen capture spree. This week I decided to focus on the ones that notably had absolutely nothing to do with weather:
Also it looks like the cop is either trying to save the pig from himself or giving him the Heimlich maneuver, which I guess is only fair considering how many humans have choked themselves on pork flesh.
I’m less interested in the giraffes and more interested in how I can dine with bears—safely.
There’s kind of no point considering you’re in the one-third that’s infected and will die soon.
Well fuck knowing if it’s going to rain. I kind of want to know now.
He was on a show that had Lil’ Jon, Jose Canseco and Meatloaf in the same room every week. He’s already been there.
He died waiting for The Weather Channel to tell him if it’s raining tomorrow.
But at least he knows why that beaver was angry.
I’ll admit I’m a bit of a dork about maps, so a couple of years ago I bought a map of the WMATA Metrorail system to hang up in my apartment. It’s already a bit of an artifact with the upcoming Silver Line but years after making that purchase I STILL get emails from DCMetroStore.com. And with Halloween coming up, they seized on a children’s costume opportunity:
Given the high amounts of Metro anti-sentiment in this area, I thought some of the descriptions of the kids costumes could use some edits:
Unfortunately, the last image needed no editing. I didn’t want to alter the sweet, sweet irony:
Maybe they can start making squeezable baseball bats.
Once again, it’s time to clean out my cell phone text inbox. Here are some of my favorite out of context messages I couldn’t bear to delete until now:
Just saw commercial for Popeye’s chicken waffle tenders. Managed not to drool in front of white roommate.
I just ate half a pizza on my ex boyfriend’s parent’s couch. And I’m unemployed. Should I be more depressed than I feel?
The Express guy was missing today, but the WMATA guy issued a statement which, if I interpreted it correctly, might be the most inappropriate compliment I’ve ever received: “Must’ve been good! I can see the glow!”
Natalie. I went on a second date with a guy and he says “I really believe that children are our most precious treasure” and I wanted to barf because obviously something is horribly wrong with me.
You have to poke holes in the box, natalie, thats why your strippers arent shipping well.
The two white girls next to us look like the sad sorority sisters who haven’t found husbands yet.
ABCD University High School? I think this either is worse than PG or a front for a brothel.
Comedy sketch idea: a person adopts a perfectly normal cat and makes it get plastic surgery to lok like lil bub and get internet famous.
Good news. I just signed up for this strippergram correspondance course which will certify me as ACTUAL. For an extra $20 they will send a tearaway graduation gown with the diploma.
We’re at Slider’s GETTING DRUNK AS A MOTHERFUCKER.
Should I tell my balls joke?
A tequila company started following me on twitter too! I wonder if they know that I think tequila tastes like a goat’s urine?
Lack of denim is a leading cause of sadness.
Isn’t boom boom code for poop?
Im more surprised by your continuous anti chicken stance.
You know you had a good college experience when your college friends keep you apprised of their bodily functions, out of a sense of tradition.
Tell him you don’t like black people.
Free slurpee day today. I consider it a lifelong obligation to remind each other every year
(two days later)
I didn’t get one. Fail.
Tsarnaev’s boat was less cramped than [Cafe] St. Ex.
I like that you find flowers and fried food equally picturesque.
Welcome to another Monday. Hopefully you have a day off due to Memorial Day weekend. If not I hope this news headline scramble tides you over.
Here are the local Washington Examiner headlines I had to work with this time:
And here’s what I came up with:
See any I missed? Leave a message or tweet at @littlenightowl.