My reaction to The Bachelor finale as told through Pusheen The Cat

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OK when the finale first started I was all like  =

Screen shot 2015-03-10 at 1.27.27 AM

because at Bachelor watch parties you eat the feelings of the final two FOR them. And as it became really obvious that Chris liked Becca more than Whitney I was like =

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Because Whitney is obviously the easy choice and I was convinced the sound of her voice was gonna send her home by the 2nd week of the show. And then when Becca was honest that she wasn’t going to pick up and leave immediately for someone she met 3 months ago I was like =

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Then Chris took Whitney farming for corn on their last solo date and Whitney was like =

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When in reality she was like = Screen shot 2015-03-10 at 1.32.53 AM over some f’in corn.

Well after that corn harvest they have a heart-to-heart where Whitney bears his soul to him, to which his only response was “I reciprocate your feelings” and I was like =

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Because WHO SAYS THAT? So I was thinking Becca probably had this in the bag. That is, until he rejected her in a barn and I was like =

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Then he picks Whitney, proposes marriage and I realize she’s going to drop a job she loves in a bomb ass city for this random dude and you’re just like =

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So the After the Rose special comes on we’re all feeling salty about his choice but then Chris Harrison said that there was a shocking twist I was like =

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And for a second I thought the twist was that he wasn’t with Whitney anymore, and I was like =

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Then Chris Soules came out and said he was still with Whitney and I was all like =

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But then Chris Harrison maintained there was still that shocking twist so I was holding onto my seat like =

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And then Jimmy Kimmel came on set and gifted Whitney and Chris a cow onstage and I was like =

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because I was thinking THAT BETTER NOT BE THE SHOCKING TWIST. And then Chris Harrison says the shocking twist has to do with The Bachelorette, so I was like =

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Then they come back from commercial break and said America was split down the middle on having either Britt or Kaitlyn as the next Bachelorette, and America was like =

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Because clearly everyone wanted Kaitlyn. But then they said the shocking twist was that there were going to be TWO bachelorettes, and I was like =

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Because NO ONE asked for that, and then I realized this means one of them is gonna get rejected again and I was just like =

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Then I realized I just spent 12 weeks watching this when I could’ve been like =

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and = Screen shot 2015-03-10 at 1.30.43 AM

But then I remembered it was quality time spent with the roomie and I was all like =

Screen shot 2015-03-10 at 1.31.27 AM

THE END.

Murder mystery book covers of pets who totally did that shit

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20141218_191301

Don’t mind me. I’m just learning about your deepest fears so I can orchestrate the symphony of your untimely death.

Unless you buy me better cat food. Seriously. It wouldn’t kill you if you went here every once in a while.

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“Hey you wanna know what’s also by the bay? That body I maimed” – The dog

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The recipe requires just a dash of your blood—and by dash he means 3 pints.

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“Yeah. We did it. And we sipped on that sweet ass tea when it was over too”

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“Nothing to see here. Just a poodle selling flowers. What’s that? You want to go inside? Nah you don’t wanna do that. I got all these flowers out here! Look! I got…these pink ones…and uh I think these are lilac–what? You still want to go inside? OK just…um…I spilled a ALOT of red Kool Aid in there and it’s kind of messy…”

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OMG. GUILTY AS FUCK.

Where the f*@$ is my bus? And why is everybody jumping?

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Looks like NextBus isn’t going to come through for you this time:

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What happens when you type in “Why” on TheGoogle.com?

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TheGoogle

If your Facebook Movie had an IMDB page

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This is what it might look like:

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God this is depressing – Weather Channel Series (Part 3)

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In this third and final installment on The Weather Channel’s attempts to report on anything but the weather, we take a look at the debbie downer posts that made it hard to get out of bed in the morning:

weather channel

If it’s Cleveland then yes, your city is the saddest.

That is also the only answer to that question.

weather channel

Oh you mean out of the WALL OF LAVA? Surprisingly, they got out with just a few scratches.

Ah just kidding. They’re super dead.

weather channel
I can’t tell from this if I’m looking at a collection of ill-fated tumbleweeds about to meet sewer death or the facial features of a gargantuan Ewok but the overall point is that death is imminent.

weather channel

Can’t they put up a photo of a tropical resort instead? You’re not exactly selling global warming when your lead picture is the snow blocking my car exhaust.

 

weather channel - this place is doomed

That’s better. Full sadness restored.

Holy shit we’re all gonna die – Weather Channel Series (Part 2)

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If you were looking for a weather forecast in the past year and thought you might find it on a website called the Weather Channel, you might have been shit out of luck. But if you were looking for a forecast in how soon we were all going to kick the bucket, the Weather Channel website had you covered.

Here were some hints over the past year that we were closer than we thought to the underworld:

weather channel - does devil have a pool

And if he does can we get in for free or do we have to pay $5 because we’re a “guest of a member”?

I bet God’s bathtub has jacuzzi jets.

weather channel - mothership has landed

 

Everyone: Guard your butt holes.

weather channel - could this stop your heart

Are we talking about the “Sun” or “Tall buildings”? Either way I’m never going outside again.

 

weather channel - when rivers run red

I think we found the Devil’s Pool. And I don’t think it’s chlorinated.

Where the hell is my forecast? – Weather Channel Series (Part 1)

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I usually rely on the Weather Channel website to tell me whether I need an umbrella, a light jacket or snow boots—all of which you might need in the same day if you live in the District.

Recently, they went through a site redesign, which is great considering their previous format bordered on fear-mongering:

weather channel - we're all infected

Is one of the survivor’s goals “Don’t get infected”? Because between this and the plane ride that person’s boned.

Of course their design faux pas didn’t get in the way of my plans to do my own series of their worst headlines as shown through a personal screen capture spree. This week I decided to focus on the ones that notably had absolutely nothing to do with weather:

weather channel - loose pig captured
If Rob Ford was an Animorph, it would be this pig. It’s the first animal I’ve seen that looks like it might smoke crack.

Also it looks like the cop is either trying to save the pig from himself or giving him the Heimlich maneuver, which I guess is only fair considering how many humans have choked themselves on pork flesh.

 

weather channel - baby giraffe

I’m less interested in the giraffes and more interested in how I can dine with bears—safely.

 

weather channel  - dont waste time doing this

 

There’s kind of no point considering you’re in the one-third that’s infected and will die soon.

 

weather channel - beaver

Well fuck knowing if it’s going to rain. I kind of want to know now.

weather channel - gary busey

He was on a show that had Lil’ Jon, Jose Canseco and Meatloaf in the same room every week. He’s already been there.

weather channel - what happened to him

He died waiting for The Weather Channel to tell him if it’s raining tomorrow.

But at least he knows why that beaver was angry.

Kid Metro Costumes: More frightening than Halloween

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I’ll admit I’m a bit of a dork about maps, so a couple of years ago I bought a map of the WMATA Metrorail system to hang up in my apartment. It’s already a bit of an artifact with the upcoming Silver Line but years after making that purchase I STILL get emails from DCMetroStore.com. And with Halloween coming up, they seized on a children’s costume opportunity:

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Given the high amounts of Metro anti-sentiment in this area, I thought some of the descriptions of the kids costumes could use some edits:

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Unfortunately, the last image needed no editing. I didn’t want to alter the sweet, sweet irony:

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metro

Maybe they can start making squeezable baseball bats.

Texts Last Night From a Nightowl’s Phone (Volume 6)

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Once again, it’s time to clean out my cell phone text inbox. Here are some of my favorite out of context messages I couldn’t bear to delete until now:

Just saw commercial for Popeye’s chicken waffle tenders. Managed not to drool in front of white roommate.

I just ate half a pizza on my ex boyfriend’s parent’s couch. And I’m unemployed. Should I be more depressed than I feel?

The Express guy was missing today, but the WMATA guy issued a statement which, if I interpreted it correctly, might be the most inappropriate compliment I’ve ever received: “Must’ve been good! I can see the glow!”

Natalie. I went on a second date with a guy and he says “I really believe that children are our most precious treasure” and I wanted to barf because obviously something is horribly wrong with me.

You have to poke holes in the box, natalie, thats why your strippers arent shipping well.

The two white girls next to us look like the sad sorority sisters who haven’t found husbands yet.

ABCD University High School? I think this either is worse than PG or a front for a brothel.

Comedy sketch idea: a person adopts a perfectly normal cat and makes it get plastic surgery to lok like lil bub and get internet famous.

Good news. I just signed up for this strippergram correspondance course which will certify me as ACTUAL. For an extra $20 they will send a tearaway graduation gown with the diploma.

We’re at Slider’s GETTING DRUNK AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

Should I tell my balls joke?

A tequila company started following me on twitter too! I wonder if they know that I think tequila tastes like a goat’s urine?

Lack of denim is a leading cause of sadness.

Isn’t boom boom code for poop?

Im more surprised by your continuous anti chicken stance.

You know you had a good college experience when your college friends keep you apprised of their bodily functions, out of a sense of tradition.

Tell him you don’t like black people.

Free slurpee day today. I consider it a lifelong obligation to remind each other every year

(two days later)

I didn’t get one. Fail.

Tsarnaev’s boat was less cramped than [Cafe] St. Ex.

I like that you find flowers and fried food equally picturesque.